One Piece the Abridged Series
by FrescaPower
Summary: All your favorite pirate adventures retold in an Abridged parody, now with 20% more dub bashing! Chapter 9 'Arlong Park the Musical' is up, in which Arlong sings about how much better fish men are, Nami sings of her tragic past, & much more!
1. Special Zombies

_**One Piece the Abridged Series**_

By **FrescaPower **(with some ideas from JakFresca)

**Disclaimer:** We don't own _One Piece_, _The Grim Adventures of Billy and Mandy_, 4kids, _POTC_, _YGO_or YGO Abridged, _Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy_, or anything else a reference was made to (which was a lot of things...)

_A/N: That goodness Funimation took over the American One Piece! The first season or so probably won't be revised for awhile, so enjoy this version instead! And it's actually more accurate than 4kids!_

_As some know, there have been many abridged series on YouTube...Naruto, Yu-Gi-Oh...that's all I can think of...There have been several attempts to make a One Piece Abridged, but they just never kept going or weren't very funny (in my personal opinion). I don't know if this will be even lamer than the others' previous attempts, but gosh darn it! I'm are going to write it! You won't find it on a Youtube or anywhere else but fanfiction! _

_I would also like to say that yes, this chapter title is utterly weird, but read the chapter and you'll soon understand..._

**Voices**: Kid Luffy has a voice more high-pitched than his normal American dub's, Shanks has a thick Australian accent, Narrator sounds exactly like Seto Kaiba, and Higuma has a gruff voice but also sounds like he's high on something (I mean, just look at his face).

* * *

**Episode One: Special Zombies **

_**Prologue: Famous Last Words**_

_Gold Roger Execution, take 41_

A picture of a man with shaggy black hair and a long mustache appeared on screen, and Seto Kaiba's career as a narrator for a crappily dubbed anime began.

"_Wealth. Fame. Power. All this was the pirate king Gold Roger's," _said Narrator_, "But, for some unexplained reason, he was caught by the Navy. Before they hung him from the gallows, he said…"  
_

"I like nachos," shouted Roger in Fred Fredberger's voice, "And...frozen yogurt! And...nachos! And...I can stick two fingers...in my bellybutton..."

_Gold Roger Execution, take 42_

The Narrator began again. _Wealth. Fresca. Power. All this was the pirate king Gold Roger's. But, for some unexplained reason he was caught by the Marines. Before they hung him from the gallows, he said…"_

"The answer to life, the universe, and everything is...42," said Roger with a hint of a British accent.

"42?!" cried a person in the crowd incredulously.

"Yes, I've thought it over quite well and that's the answer," said the pirate.

"What the bloody hell has that got to do with your treasure?!" asked another spectator.

"I was getting to that part," he replied calmly. "You see, 42 is a code that indicates the lati –"

But before he could finish his sentence, a marine dude yelled "Off with your head!" and there was an unrealistic SFX 'SHUNK!'.

_Gold Roger Execution, take 43_

Hoping that this was the last take, the narrator said for a third time,_There once was a man named Gold Roger, and he was the king of the pirates."_

"I thought Jack Sparrow was the king of the pirates!" shouted a _Pirates of the Caribbean_ fan.

"Didn't you see the third movie?" said a second POTC fan to the other, "The pirate king -er, queen- is Elizabeth!"

The narrator started over. _In a alternate world where the whole place is filled with non-FDA approved fruit, with a government more corrupt than any in our world, and where everyone is obsessed with pirates --"_

"It still sounds like _Pirates of the Caribbean_ to me," remarked the first fan.

Narrator ignored the interruption and continued."_T__here once was a man named Gold Roger and he was the pirate king. Wealth, fame, power, and uncut anime DVDs were all his. However, for some unexplained reason he was captured by 4Kids, who were allied with the Marines. Their editing powers, while weak, greatly outnumbered him. Before he was edited out of the show once and for all, he said…"_

"DAMN YOU, 4KIDS!"

"_And also…"_

"My fortune is yours for the taking, but you'll have to find it first. I left everything I own in pieces of eight."

"COPYRIGHT INFRINGEMENT!" yelled the first fan.

"_But, wouldn't it be harder to find if it was in 8 pieces?"_ said a frustrated Narrator. "_What do you want him to say?"_

"I left it all in one piece!" said Gold Roger.

The Narrator sighed. _And so, people pretending to be pirates set sail for the Grand Line, never to return because they were idiots and didn't know how to be pirates. Two years later, the home island of an important character will be bombed. Twelve years later, a kid will stab himself in the face with a knife."_

"Stop giving away plot spoilers!" said a random 4kids person, who had just walked in.

In a sudden act of defiance, the Narrator cried _"You can't stop me! I doubt the preschoolers watching this show will care!"_

"OK, just for that I'm firing you."

"_But- you can't fire me!"_

"Well, we have power. And rules."

"_Screw the rules, I'm the voice of Seto Kaiba!"_

And with that, although the viewers could not see it, Kaiba pulled a rifle out of nowhere, which prompted the random 4kids person to scurry out of the room like a frightened squirrel. And that is why, until the last 4kids dubbed episode, the Narrator is voiced by Kaiba.

* * *

A weird rap song about pirates played, and the scene shifted to a kid standing on a pirate ship.

"HEY, EVERYONE!" shouted Monkey D. Luffy, a short black-haired boy who was holding a knife. "To prove that I'm a brave pirate, I'm gonna do the stupidest thing I can think of- stabbing myself in the face with a knife!"

_Immediately inside a Tavern..._

"That's not a knife, THIS is a knife!" said a man with red hair.

Luffy blinked.

"... Shanks, thats' a spoon."

Shanks stared at Luffy and blinked.

"... Here, have some milk!" Shanks said with a smile and handed Luffy a glass of milk.

"Oh boy, thanks!" replied Luffy and drank it.

Shanks laughed. "A real pirate would never drink milk! That's why we all got osteoporosis!"

"Cool! I wish I was a pirate so I could have osteoporosis. You guys have all the fun!"

"Are you bloody kidding me, mate?" laughed Shanks, as his Australian accent took effect. "You're a annoying, useless, and weak midget who can't even swim, mate!

"No, I can swim!" protested Luffy, and with one bite he devoured a Devil Fruit that was conveniently enough lying around.

"What the bloody hell did you do that for, mate?!" yelled Shanks

"What? Eating the fruit?" Luffy said with attitude. "Is it now illegal to eat fruit? Are you married to the fruit or something?"

"NO, IF YOU EAT THE FRUIT, YOU GET AWESOME KICK-ASS POWERS BUT YOU WILL NEVER, _EVER_ BE ABLE TO SWIM- _EVER_ _AGAIN!!"_

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" screamed Luffy for no reason.

Shanks also began screaming for no reason. "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH! I SAT ON A NAIL, MATE!!"

Luffy stopped screaming. "Shanks, why do you keep talking like that?"

"Like what, mate?"

"Why you keep saying 'mate' at the end of each sentence."

"Well, it's because 4kids made me talk this way, mate. Or maybe it's just because I can't stop talking like this, mate. HELP ME LUFFY, MATE!!"

Just then, Higuma the Bear Who Looked Nothing Like A Bear But Was Called So Anyway came in.

"Outta my way, I need booze!" he said, pulling out a sword and breaking a bunch of grog bottles...er, juice bottles... for no particular reason. There was a lot of broken glass, and with a crash Shanks fell out of his seat and onto the floor.

"Hey, guys, I think I'm hurt!" said Shanks. The occupants of the tavern laughed. Actually, it sounded more like a comedy show laugh track.

"No, seriously, I think I broke something!" he insisted. The occupants laughed even louder.

"Help me guys! I think I'm bleedin' paralyzed! It's the osteoporosis!" At this, the whole tavern went into an uproar. People fell out of their chairs, grog squirted out of their noses, and everyone was laughing so hard that they did not notice Higuma the Bear Who Looked Nothing Like A Bear But Was Called So Anyway kidnap Luffy.

_

* * *

__Suddenly, on a Small Boat in the Ocean..._

"Whoa, what the hell is this kid doing here?" said Higuma, noticing Luffy, even though he had just kidnapped the kid. "Better have a flashback."

Some annoying voice said _'Flashback!'_ And a bunch of pictures in black-and-white began appearing.

"OK...that kid ate the Mr. Fantastic fruit, those guys killed my guys... and the kid dissed me," said Higuma, looking at all the flashback images.

There was a long, long pause.

"Whoa, what the hell's this kid doing here? Better kick him overboard. It doesn't look like he has any reefer. Sweet, sweet reefer..."

"Er, what are you doing?" asked Luffy, as Higuma was about to kick him into the sea.

"Um...uh...not smoking reefer!" said Higuma hurriedly, and backed away.

There was another long pause.

"Whoa what the hell's this kid doing here?!" repeated Higuma. Immediately he kicked Luffy into the ocean.

"Ahhh! what did I ever do to you?" cried Luffy. Again an annoying voice said_ 'Flashbackkkkk!' _and Luffy remembered the reason why he was deserving... um, undeserving... of this watery death.

_"You smell Higuma the Bear! You smell...because you're a bear...and...bears smell bad!' _dissed flashback Luffy.

"Oh yeah that's right..."

Meanwhile, Higuma was standing in the rowboat gloating his victory when a Sea Serpent began to sneak up behind him.

"Hmmm...I have the strangest feeling I'm forgetting something..." He turned around, saw the Serpent, then turned back.

"Why do I think I'm forgetting something?"

He turned around again and shrieked like a little girl, "HOLY SH#T GIANT SEA MONSTER!" And with that the Sea Monster ate him, then turned to Luffy.

_"Random heroic rescue_! I'll save you Luffy!" cried Shanks as he jumped into the sea. CHOMP! Shanks' left arm was now an unbleeding stump.

"Wow, how did you know I was here?" said Luffy, amazed.

"Easy, the tracking device that I put in your neck."

"Wait, what?"

"So anywho, you alright?"

"Yeah...Oh my gosh! What happened to your arm?!" said Luffy, pointing to Shanks' arm.

"What? what's wrong with it?"

"Well, your left arm's fine, but your right arm is _extremely_ long."

"Oh, that's always been like that - Holy crap, what happened to my left arm?!"

"But why isn't it bleeding?"

"Huh?"

"You know, blood..."

"What's blood?"

"Shanks, are you a Zombie?"

"You know Luffy, I asked me dad that same question when I was your age. He didn't answer me. But I've come to find that we're all Zombies, in our own special way."

The sun began to set and very cheesy sad music started to play.

* * *

_Back on Land..._

"You're leaving?" asked Luffy.

"Yes, because we've depleted all the resources in this town. Now we're off to deplete the resources of another small town. Oh, and I hate you now since it's all YOUR fault that I'm dismembered." said Shanks.

"Well, I hate you too! I'm be better than you and become the King of the Pirates!"

"OK, then I'll give you me hat. After all, you need a trademark."

"What about my scar? That could be my trademark! Everyone loves scars!"

"Scars are overused. I mean, even I have one, crikey! And do you want to be known as 'Scar-Faced' Luffy?"

"Yes!"

Shanks and crew left.

* * *

_"Ten years later, Luffy sets out to become a pirate. In a small rowboat in the middle of the ocean, he is about to get sucked into a giant whirlpool" said Narrator._

"Aw, crap! I knew I should have brought scuba gear!" said Luffy.

_"We also find out that he is now a complete idiot."_

The One Piece ending theme (and by that, it means a short spin-off of the rap theme) played briefly.

**_

* * *

_****_Bonus_**

**Shanks: **All right, now I'm _pretty sure_ that this is a knife.

**Luffy**: _(bored)_ Nope, it's a fork.

**Shanks**: well, what about this? It HAS to be a knife. It's all pointy!

**Luffy**: ...

...Shanks, that's a marshmallow.

* * *

There it is! Episode One! Please Review! I'll gladly accept any comments, questions, and even suggestions for future episodes!


	2. Pink Hair with a Hint of Mauve

_**A/N**__: OK! Episode Two! This was a hard episode to write, because there were already a lot of parodies on the first 2 short story arcs on YouTube. Most of my original ideas were very stupid and not funny at all, (that is unless you enjoy not laughing), which made it even harder to write.  
_**Disclaimer:** _I don't own _One Piece_, (One Piece belongs to the awesome manga-ka Eiichiro Oda), _Naruto_ (by Masashi Kishimoto), _The Simpsons_ or anything else made reference to (which was probably a lot of things...)  
_**Voices:** Luffy has a scratchy girl's voice like in the first American dub; Narrator sounds exactly like Seto Kaiba; Zoro sounds like a cross between Snake from _TheSimpsons _and Duke Devlin from YGO:TAS;Koby has a lame voice and tends to stutter, and Alvida sounds... well, ugly.

* * *

**_One Piece the Abridged Series_**

When we last left Luffy, he was about to get sucked into a whirlpool. And so ends the tale of Monkey D. Luffy. Now, we go to a bunch of pirates on a pirate ship on an island.

"Koby! Get over here!" yelled a woman who vaguely resembled a former talk show hostess.

Koby, a weak-looking boy with blue glasses and pink hair, came over, saying in a frightened voice, "Y-yes Ms. Queen ma'am Mademoiselle Duchess Major Captain Countess Heiress Princess Highness Empress Alvida-san-dono-sama, sir."

"YOU FORGOT MS. PRESIDENT! NOW CLEAN MY SHOES OR YOU DIE!" yelled Alvida angrily.

"Who do you think you are?" said one of the pirates near the edge of the ship, "H-"

"Trademark Iron Mace (not the pepper spray, the club) of Doom!" yelled Alvida, sending the iron mace spinning at the pirate, causing him to fall off the ship with several pointy wounds on his head.

* * *

_**Episode Two: Pink Hair with a Hint of Mauve**_

"Hey, check out this barrel." said the pirate, rolling a barrel he had just found into a shed, "I think there might be booze in it. Let's have some. If anyone tells Alvida they die."

"H-hey, that's not proper grammar," said Koby "It's not 'if anyone tells Alvida they die' it's 'if anyone tells Alvida he or she dies' because 'they' is plural-"

"You the first to die!" said the pirate, drawing a fake-looking sword.

"B-but that's not proper grammar either-" but Koby was cut off, because the strangest thing happened.

The world exploded.

The world did not explode. The second strangest thing happened.

A boy wearing a straw hat burst out of the barrel.

"Wow, that was a great nap!" he exclaimed, they looked at the pirates "Hey, who are you guys?"

"Oh, I think you know who I am but you just don't want to admit it," said one of the pirates flirtatiously.

"NO SAYING THINGS FLIRTATIOUSLY! GET BACK TO WORK YOU MANGY DOGS!" yelled Alvida as her Iron Mace came swinging into the room, sending the Barrel Boy flying and causing the rest of the pirates to scatter. Koby, however, ran off to find the barrel boy.

"HI! I'm Monkey D. Luffy! I'm the main character!" said Luffy as Koby approached him.

"Hey, if you're the main character, then I guess that finally makes me important!" said Koby

"What are you talking about? You're the least important character in the whole series. Well, except for that one guy" said Luffy.

"..." Koby didn't know what he was talking about.

"You know… that guy in that one story arc."

Again, "..."

"Never mind. So why are you here?"

"About two years ago I went fishing, but ended up on a pirate ship instead."

"How in the hell do you confuse a fishing ship with a pirate ship?"

"That was before I got glasses. But someday, I'll escape from here and become a Marine."

"I'm gonna be King of the Pirates!"

Koby winced. This catchphrase was made all the more annoying thanks to Luffy's scratchy voice. "If you don't mind me asking, how many times have you said that so far?"

"Including flashbacks? Once. But I'm trying for five a day!"

_Run while you can, Koby! It will only get more insane from here,_ thought Koby.

_Suddenly, a shadow came over the two boys._

"Koby, who's your friend?" said Alvida menacingly.

"Ummm..."

_Koby's brain tried to decide what to say - and came up with the first thing he thought of._

"He's...a bounty hunter!"

"WRONG ANSWER!" yelled Alvida, and she flung her mace (the pepper spray) at Koby and swung her mace (the club) at Luffy, who was looking around saying, "Bounty hunter? Where?"

The mace (spray) hit Koby squarely in the face but his glasses protected him from the painful burn. Luffy, on the other hand, was also uninjured thanks to his rubbery-ness and then punched her in her ugly fat face.

"Get a dinghy!" demanded Luffy.

"Th-th-thanks Luffy," stuttered Koby.

"Hey, I never said the dinghy was for you. You can swim."

* * *

"So, there's a bounty hunter that's in a prison on this island? He sounds cool. Maybe I'll ask him to join my crew."

"But they say he's a demon in human form!" said Koby, frightened. "Asking him to join your crew would be suicide!"

"Sure, that's what they all say!" said Luffy as they pulled up to the docks of another island.

They had arrived on an island with a marine base that was ruled by a god-crazed tyrant.  
It had a Marine base, and Koby figured that he'd finally become a Marine at last. They walked up to the gates and then climbed up a wall to see the parade grounds, where an unusual sight met them...

"It's HIM!" cried Koby. "It's RORONOA ZOLO!"

"Really?" said Luffy. "I thought his name was Zoro. Must be his twin brother or something."

Besides the fact that Zoro was all dressed mostly in black with a green _haramaki_ sash around his waist, a black bandana on his head and a triple ear-piercing on his left ear that would make any anime fan girl fall for him, this wasn't the unusual sight.

"WHOA!" cried Luffy. "HIS HAIR IS _**GREEN**_!"

This was also not the unusual sight. The following sentence is the unusual sight.

"Hello there emo swordsman! Would you like some cookies?" asked a little brown-haired girl, whose name was Rika, offering him a plate of cookies.

"No, but I could totally go for some riceballs right now," said Zoro.

"I'm sorry, they were edited to cookies," said Rika.

"You totally don't have any riceballs? I'LL TOTALLY STOMP YOU TO DEATH!" yelled Zoro, but just then a man with blonde hair that looked like an onion came into the parade grounds with two navy officials on either side of him.

"My, my, my, being mean to little girls, Zoro?" said the man, then turned to Rika. "Beat it you snot-faced brat! And gimme one of those riceballs!" He snatched one from her and ate it.

"But- but those are cookies."

"Cookies? EWWWWWW!!" he quickly spit the cookies out and the rest he lightly stomped with one foot, which did little damage to the cookies.

"DIE COOKIES! _DIE_!" he said frantically. He turned to the marines. "Kill these cookies! I want them thoroughly dead!"

The marines looked confused, but did what they were told and proceeded to stomp the cookies into pieces, shoot the pieces until they were fine dust, light the cookie-dust on fire, and scatter the remaining ashes into the winds.

Helmeppo brushed his hands as if he had done all the cookie-killing, and turned to the girl.

"For making non-Japanese food, you shall be sentenced to..." he turned to one of the marines. "Throw her over the wall."

"But Helmeppo, sir!" said the marine, "Where I come from, children are revered and worshipped like gods! It would be against my morals to do such a thing!"

"We're the Navy! WE HAVE NO MORALS! Now do what I tell you or I'll sic my daddy on you."

"Yes, sir." He picked up Rika and tossed her over the wall. The marines left and Luffy decided to go and talk to Zoro.

"Luffy! Don't go down there! That Zoro guy is a demon, like those demon things in _InuYasha_ that kill you and inhabit your rotting carcass, using you as a puppet…and… blah blah blah..." Koby kept talking but did not realize he was talking to thin air, because Luffy was walking towards Zoro.

"Hi, I'm Luffy!" said the Straw Hat boy to the swordsman.

"Uh-huh. I totally don't care right now, so if you can just totally leave that would be great because I'm totally trying to survive here without food or drink for a month so that Helmeppo will release me. I totally don't know how I'm going to go without drink for a month, because if I go without drinking grog for more than two days then I get sober. And when I totally get sober I think logically. And when I totally think logically I realize I need more grog. And when I realize I totally need more grog, and I go get drunk again. But if I can't find any grog, I go on an insane rampage. And if I go on an insane rampage..."

Luffy just stared at him. It should be known that Luffy is incapable of processing that many words at once, especially since there was totally an unnecessary amount of "totally" 's in the sentence.

Luffy blinked. "You're joining my pirate crew."

"No, I totally am not."

"I'm gonna be King of the Pirates!"

"That's _great_" said Zoro sarcastically.

"You're joining my crew whether you like it or not."

"I am totally _not_ joining your crew."

"I'm gonna be King of the Pirates!"

Zoro was getting really ticked off. "Is that supposed to be your catchphrase or something? Because it's way worse than that Naruto kid's."

_Meanwhile, in Konoha..._

"AW, YEAH!" exclaimed Naruto, "Someone with a worse and more annoying catchphrase than mine! _Believe it!"_

_Back to the pirates..._

"On second thought, I take that back" said Zoro, and in Konoha there was a loud groan of disappointment.

Zoro continued. "OK, I _might _join your pirate crew if you _might _be able to do something for me."

"Get your swords back? Okay!" exclaimed Luffy, and with a Gomu-Gomu no Rocket he was flying towards the Marine base before Zoro could finish telling him what to do.

"Sigh... I was going to ask him if he could get me a beer..."

* * *

As Luffy flew up to the top of the Marine base, Captain "Axe-Hand" Morgan was instructing a group of Marines to place a statue of himself on top of the Navy Base. Technically, Morgan was already introduced in the real series but this is abridged and the author is trying to cram two story arcs into one episode, so the author really doesn't have time for all those unnecessary scenes.

"Now listen, all of you," said Morgan. "Because my character has not been introduced yet, you will listen to everything I say about myself until I stop talking. Now, I know you're all wondering, but yes, I really am natural blonde. My skin is orange because I eat too many carrots. The reason I have an iron jaw will be revealed in a later story arc. My jaw says 'Mowё', German for 'seagull', because someone thought it would be funny to graffiti on it with permanent marker. Unfortunately for me, I hadn't gotten my axe-hand yet to punish him for it. I am missing a leg because when I was trapped on a deserted island with no food I had to chop it off and eat it."

"But-- you're not missing a leg. You're missing an arm. And besides, that character's already taken," said a marine.

Morgan's eyes narrowed. "And the most important thing you must know about me is..." he raised his axe-handed arm and slashed the marine. "I AM SUPREME! I AM CAPTAIN, SO I AM ALWAYS RIGHT! AND THAT MAKES ME A GOD! BOW DOWN TO YOUR GOD YOU FOOLS!"

"Ummm..." said another marine "That character profile's been taken too. Boy, you sure are an unoriginal character."

The same thing happened again, and the marines quickly got back to work. Just then, Luffy flew towards them and broke the statue. Morgan got all mad, and tried to kill Luffy, but Luffy took Helmeppo and used him to get Zoro's swords back...

Meanwhile, Morgan and the Marines were about to shoot Zoro and Koby…

"Alright, ready? One-"

BANG!

"YOU SHOT KOBY! WHO DID THAT?!"

One of the marines raised his hand. Morgan abruptly slashed him with the axe.

"We never shoot on one!"

"Then what do we shoot on?" asked another marine.

"Three."

BANG!

"NO! We count to three, and then shoot! Now, one, two-"

BANG!

"NO! You don't shoot on two, or one! Shoot on three!"

BANG!

"Sigh… Just shoot."

"…?"

"THREE!"

BANG!!

Luffy came flying in and bounced back the bullets.

"Bullets can't hurt me! _OW! IT HURTS ALL OVER!"_

"Luffy!" cheered Koby.

"Hey! Zolo!" shouted Luffy.

"It's ZORO you 4Kids-brainwashed dimwit!"

"Zoro, I got your swords back!"

"Totally excellent. Now we just have to get out of here undetected."

"Oh, that's gonna be kinda hard."

"And why is that?"

"Well, it's just that the whole Navy Base is about to kill us right now."

"WHAT THE-"

"But don't worry, I have a plan!" said Luffy.

"Would that plan involve untying me?"

"That's not exactly what I had in mind-"

"UNITE ME!"

"Alrighty then!" Luffy tried to untie the knots, but they were too tight. "It's not working."

"GIMME MY SWORDS!"

As the marines charged toward Luffy and Zoro, they completely ignored Koby.

"Hey, what about me?" said Koby.

"Koby, this isn't really the time," said Luffy, "Seeing as how Zoro and I might die from water gun inflicted wounds at any second."

_"_No, you're not the time! I want more screen time, dammit! I'm gonna be a marine!"

"If you keep going on about this you're going to get yourself killed, or at least very wet," said Zoro.

Right at that moment, Helmeppo aimed a small harmless hammer at Koby's head.

"Don't move, or I'll hit your friend over the head with this small harmless hammer!" threatened Helmeppo. "

"OMG, it's a small harmless hammer!!" said Zoro "He's totally NOT joking! Luffy, by all that is honorable, we must totally and carefully devise a plan to beat the living crap out of this scumbag while totally making sure the pink-haired four-eyes does not get hurt"

"My hair isn't pink! It's just a very light red," protested Koby. There was a pause. "With a small hint of mauve," he added.

"So, what's the plan?" continued Zoro, turning to Luffy. But he wasn't there.

"Huh? What was that you were saying?" said Luffy, who was about to punch Helmeppo.

"Luffy, if I'm going to be a part of your crew, you will totally have to wait until I'm finished with a monologue before you fight."

"Uh-huh," replied Luffy, who had just knocked out Helmeppo.

_Do you believe in déjà vu?_

_Suddenly, a shadow came over the two pirates._

"Ha-ha. I will now kill you," said Morgan, and added, "Also, I am standing behind you, about to swing my axe. My axe is 2.5 feet above your head and I will be swinging it at a 45-degree angle at a speed of 35mph, so it should come in contact with your head right about... now."

Morgan swung his axe at Luffy, but Zoro (who realized in a split second that if he was going to become a pirate he was the one who had to change and stop with the useless monologues) came in and knocked out Morgan.

"Hey, did you just kill that guy?" said Luffy, clueless.

"You know, I have no idea," said Zoro.

"If he's breathing does that mean he's dead?" said Luffy as he poked Morgan with a stick.

"I always thought that pirates killed people," said Koby.

"Hell, no! Pirates don't kill people, we murder them." said Zoro.

That freaked out Koby and he backed away 20 feet.

_Later on, at the docks..._

"Thank you for saving our town!" said a Marine.

"And thank you for being a bunch of wusses who let themselves get taken over by a power-hungry captain so we could kick the crap out of him and for giving us a big meal as a reward," said Luffy with a smile.

"Luffy, the next time we meet we'll be enemies, but thank you for scaring me into joining the marines!" said Koby.

"Yep, you definitely don't want to be a pirate. We get scurvy, gangrene, and all sorts of nasty diseases."

"Wait, then why am I becoming a pirate?" questioned Zoro.

"Hey, I saved your life you ungrateful scumbag," said Luffy angrily.

As Luffy and Zoro set off into the sunset, the marines saluted them. Once they were out of sight, the head marine turned to Koby.

"Alright kid, the fun's over. Now go scrub those Latrines!"

"Yes, sir!"

Koby ran toward the Marine Base with a smile on his face and off to begin his new adventure...

As a Cabin Boy...

... Again

* * *

Bonus

_When first published the story I realized I accidentally put Genre under 'Angst!' (I quickly made the correction.)  
OP: TAS as an angsty FF. Imagine the possibilities!  
_**Luffy**: I'm emo  
**Zoro**: I'm more emo.  
**Nami**: My past is fifty times as tragic as both of yours; that makes me the most emo!  
**Luffy**: But I have black hair, and I'm chasing an impossible dream!  
**Zoro**: But I dress in black and my childhood friend is dead!  
**Nami**: But I have to deal with the fact that my mother is dead, my village is under the control of a tyrannical fish-man, and have to single-handedly steal enough money to buy my village!  
**ALL**: AGH!The_ ANGST!_

_Okay…maybe not…_

_Please Review! Thank you to all who sent in reviews! _: )


	3. Coulrophobia

_A/N: YAY! Finally, Episode 3! It took practically three months, and in that time I revised the first two eps, resulting in the deletion of the first chapter temporarily since the computer was not cooperating.  
In regards to the attack names in the story, I'll probably just end up interchanging __4kids attack names with the __o__riginal Ja__panese __attack names- just to be confusing! (Evil laugh.)  
__**Luf**__**fy: **__FrescaPower do__es not own One Piece or any of its characters! Now, where's the meat?  
**FrescaPower**: I didn't promise you meat. Besides, wouldn't you like some vegetable instead? -_holds up basketful of veggies_-  
**Luffy**: I don't like veggies.  
**FrescaPower**: What have you got against vegetables anyway?  
**Luffy**: They tried to kill me once.  
**FrescaPower**: -_rolls eyes_- Enjoy episode three!_

_Voices: Luffy - scratchy-voiced teen girl. Zoro- somewhat like Snake from Simpsons, somewhat like Duke Devlin from YGO:TAS. Nami- high-pitched girl voice. Buggy- maniacal, insane clown. Cabaji- some sort of accent (whatever it was in the dub). _

* * *

_**One Piece the Abridged Series - Now with 20 percent more dub bashing!**_

"So, you're going to be the world's greatest swordsman? How are you going to do that if you let yourself get caught by that loser Helmeppo?" asked Luffy, as he and Zoro sat in a small boat traveling in no particular direction.

"I totally have it all figured out. Using the money I've got from collecting bounties, I'll totally hire a bunch of swordsmen to beat all the other great swordsmen in the world. They'll kill each other off, so I'll be the greatest by default. Default... totally the two best words in the English language!"

The two pirates began to laugh, but then Luffy realized something.

"Wait, aren't we supposed to be speaking in Japanese?"

* * *

**Episode 3: Coulrophobia **

"I'm so hungry!" complained Luffy.

"Me too. But we've got no food," said Zoro.

Ominous music played as the two of them slowly turned their heads towards each other with a ravenous look of hunger on their faces.

Zoro looked towards the sky. "Oh, look-"

SHUNK!

Luffy had stuck a fork into Zoro's leg "- Ow! Luffy, stop that! There's no need for cannibalism, we can eat that bird up there!" the pirate hunter pointed out a large bird flying far above them.

"Aww..." said Luffy disappointedly, but got ready to get the bird. "GOMU GOMU NO...ROCKET!"

* * *

_Meanwhile, a few miles away..._

"Yes! I finally got it! The map to the uncut anime and Grand Line and stuff!

"Get her! She stole Captain Buggy's map to the treasure of uncut anime, and the Grand Line and stuff!" cried a bunch of pirates dressed as clowns, who were chasing after a certain orange-haired pirate thief.

If you don't know who that is, then why are you reading this?!

The pirates circled around the girl. "Give us back the map, girlie."

Just then, Luffy fell from the sky, and the girl left Luffy to deal with the pirates.

"Boss! You came! I'll just leave you to take out these guys!" said the girl, running away.

"Huh?" said Luffy cluelessly.

"It doesn't matter if she escapes, we have her boss, a much bigger prize!" said generic clown pirate number one.

"Your hat is girlie," said generic clown pirate number two to Luffy, "It makes you look like a girl, girlie-hat wearing girlie girl!"

As the pirate went to swipe Luffy's hat, Luffy punched him, sending him flying to the other side of town.

"Nobody..." said Luffy, his anger rising, "...Insults my girlie-looking hat!"

(The following scene has been omitted to save time. Think happy thoughts. Sunshine and puppies.)

* * *

"Wow, you're really strong!" said the orange haired girl, who had been watching the omitted fight scene from a rooftop while eating a bag of popcorn.

"Who are you?" asked Luffy.

"My name is Nami and I hate pirates."

"I'm a pirate!"

"OK, let's be friends. But what's with your hat?"

"It's my treasure!"

"Why is it your treasure? Does it have money hidden in it?"

"Nope."

"A treasure map?"

"Nope."

"Map to a treasure map?"

"Nope. All I know is, some Australian guy gave it to me because I'm main character!"

_Hmmm...If he's main character and I join him, then that makes me co-main character! _thought Nami.

"So, is there anyone else on your crew?"

"Yep! My first mate is a pirate hunter."

"Oh, _that _makes sense" she said with sarcasm. _Well, there's always co-co-main character._

"And my hat's the second mate!"

_Dammit_!

"I know, you can be my navigator!"

"I can't navigate."

"Yep, you're gonna be the greatest navigator ever."

"I can't navigate."

"You're gonna map the whole world, and we'll find One Piece, the greatest treasure-"

"TREASURE? I mean...treasure! Yes, I can navigate! I'm a first-class navigator! By the way, what if I told you I could lead you to lots of treasure right now?" Nami had a plan.

"Will there be food there?" inquired Luffy.

"Yes! Lots and lots of food! And the only way to get to this food is if I tie you up with this rope."

"Yay! Food!" he said excitedly, "Tie me up! Tie me up! tie me up!"

_Heh, heh...sucker!_

* * *

A few minutes later, on the rooftop of a bar with no name because the name was editted out, a Buggy's Pirates crewmember came to deliver a message to the evil clown.

"Captain Buggy, sir! The girl who stole your map to the uncut anime and Grand Line and stuff asks for your audience."

"Bring her inside," commanded the maniacal blue-haired clown that would give anyone nightmares even if you aren't afraid of clowns, but that's ridiculous - everyone is afraid of clowns. Why are clowns so scary anyway? Is it their make-up? The red noses? The big feet? The homicidal Sideshow Bob from _The Simpsons_? They had an episode with him recently where he was Pagliacci, the title character in the opera, who's a clown and goes crazy and kills his wife when he thinks she's cheating on him. There was a _Seinfeld_ episode based on that play too. But now this is just going off on a random tangent, let's get back to the story.

"Umm, captain, not to be rude or anything, but technically, we're outside, and she's inside the building waiting to come outside, so it should be 'bring her outside' "

Buggy scowled and used his Devil...er, Cursed... Fruit power to strangled the crew member. "Bring her inside!"

Nami entered with Luffy. "Captain Buggy! I bring you the real culprit who stole your map to the uncut anime and Grand Line and stuff! By the way, can I join your crew even though I tried to steal the map?"

"Sure, even though there's a slight possibility that you might steal my treasure again!"

"OK, now go into this cage and then you'll get your food," said Nami to Luffy, bringing him over to a large metal cage.

"FOOOOD!" cried Luffy as he eagerly dived into the cage, which was locked once he got in.

"Now to celebrate our new crew member's arrival, let's party and have a juice-drinking contest!" declared Buggy.

The pirates partied for hours and drank gallons of juice, somehow getting drunk off of it. Nami was able to out-drink most of the pirates, so by the time the partying was over, practically the whole crew was passed out or so wasted that they started to come up with very strange conclusions for problems.

"Hey...dude, like isn't your skin color supposed to be darker or something?" said a Clown pirate, noticing that his comrade's skin tone was, for some strange reason, considerably lighter.

"Yeah ...that's weird! I wonder how that happened..." said the pirate, confused.

The pirates sat around wondering why one of their crew members was paler. Unbeknownst to them, this change was made by a dubbing corporation, but they were too drunk to figure that out. And because of their drunkenness, they came up with a much simpler explanation.

"I know, it was a witch!" said one of them.

"Who could it be?"

"Maybe it was our new crew member! Maybe she's the witch!" said another.

"Yeah, she's a witch! Burn her!" yelled a few more pirates, ganging up on Nami.

"No, I'm not a witch. He's the witch!" said Nami, and pointed to Luffy. She couldn't afford drawing attention to herself if she wanted to steal the treasure.

"The cage?" said the pirates stupidly.

"No, the guy _IN _the cage!" said Nami exasperatedly.

"So he's the witch! Burn the witch! BURN HIM!" they chanted. Several of them pulled torches out of nowhere and others now carried pitchforks.

"How do you know that he's a witch?" asked an unusually smart pirate, who, after saying that, was blasted to smithereens by Buggy's Buggy Bomb.

The chanting resumed "Burn the witch!"

Luffy was completely oblivious to the impending doom that he would soon face.

"Don't worry," said Nami, whispering to Luffy. "Once you're burned up a bit, I'm sure they'll quiet down. Nothing fatal."

Luffy looked up at the pirates.

"First of all, where's my food? Second of all- SHE'S THE WITCH!" Luffy pointed to Nami.

"Well, who are we supposed to believe?" said a pirate who looked a bit like Frankenstein.

"Maybe they're _BOTH _WITCHES!" said another.

"Yeahhh! Burn them both! Burn the witches!" cheered the Buggy Pirates.

"Wait, are we still sure they're witches?" asked the same pirate who somehow survived the Buggy ball blast. The others ignored him and Buggy used Chop-Chop Harpoon.

"Alright," said Buggy, fixing his hand back in place, "Just to make absolutely sure that they are both witches, Witch One-"

"My name is Nami!"

"That's great, Witch One. Now, in order to find out which one is a witch, Witch One will be given a match to light the cannon so it kills Witch Two. If she chooses not to light the cannon because she wants to save her witch friend, then that means they are both witches. If Witch One lights the cannon so Witch two blows up, then Witch Two was a witch and Witch One is not a witch."

This was all very confusing to the pirates and it was made even more confusing because of the homonyms "Witch One" and "which one".

"So...we can burn them?"

"Yes."

"YEAAAAH! BURN THE WITCHES!"

Nami was handed a matchbox and the cannon was aimed at Luffy.

"Now, fill the cannon with my giant Buggy Balls!" ordered Buggy.

The crew turned to Buggy with a look of shock.

"What!" Pause. "Oh... I mean the bombs."

The crew breathed a sigh of relief.

"Don't worry Luffy, you won't get blown up. I have a plan!" said Nami, and she lit the cannon. "Oh... I didn't mean for _that_ to happen..."

"_Yet another heroic rescue_! Totally guess who's back?!" Zoro came in to save the day, knocking out a few pirates in the process. He turned to the evil Clown Captain.

"You're gonna die clown!" he shouted, and sliced Buggy into several pieces. Everyone was in a state of shock that the pirate had been defeated so quickly.

"Well...um...that was fast..." said Nami.

"Yeah... totally...usually it takes twenty chapters to defeat a villain. So, what're we gonna do for the rest of the episode?" asked Zoro.

"How about you DIE!" yelled the very much alive Buggy as he stabbed Zoro in the side with three knives.

"OMG! OMG! BLOOD! AGH! THE PAIN, THE AGONY!"

"Um, Zoro..." said Luffy

"ARGH! AH! BLAH! GAH!"

"Zoro, I know you're writhing in pain and everything, but if you get the chance to, when you're done coughing out blood, to get me out of that cage, that would be a big help..."

Zoro screamed for a few more seconds. "AGH! AHHHHHH! GAH! WAH! Alright, I'm OK now," he went over to Luffy and picked up the cage.

"No, random guy who saved us! If you do that, then your guts will splurt out!" said Nami.

"Really? COOL!"

For some reason, during all this dialogue, the clown pirates weren't attacking them.

"Luffy, Nami, we have to get out of here!" said Zoro.

"How do you know my name?" asked Nami.

"I know all about you, Nami, and your tragic past." Nami began to get all teary-eyed. "Now get out of here! Do not worry about me!"

The trio ran away from the clowns, who only realized that their enemies had escaped once the dialogue was finished.

* * *

"Now who are you?" asked Zoro once the group of three had run far enough away. They had stopped to catch their breath on a street corner.

"But you said you knew my name and my tragic past!" said Nami.

"Luffy, what is this crazy chick talking about?"

"I have no idea," said Luffy, as he picked his nose.

Nami slapped Zoro across the face. "You stole my heart and then broke it, you bastard!"

Luffy noticed a white dog, named ChouChou, walk up to the cage.

"Hey, look at this doggie! Aw, what a cute little doggie! I will pet the doggie!" Luffy petted ChouChou's head with unnecessary force as the dog started to growl.

"Awww, the doggie is purring!" said Luffy, still petting ChouChou.

At that moment the dog bit his hand, and would not let go.

"OW! BAD DOGGIE! BAD DOGGIE!" screamed Luffy, flailing his hand wildly in an attempt to get the dog off, but it didn't work.

"Oh, to further the plot I stole the key," said Nami, taking out a key, and tossing it to Luffy.

ChouChou ate it.

"WHY YOU LITTLE!" screamed Luffy, strangling the dog Bart Simpson-style, "I'LL SHOW YOU TO EAT RANDOM THINGS JUST LIKE DOGS ALWAYS DO!"

ChouChou managed a "Bark!" through the strangling, which translated as _'You will burn in the fiery pits of hell for your ignorance you naive fool.'_

"Hey, stop that!" said someone down the street.

"Who are you?"

"I'm the mayor of this town, and also the head of the animal rights commitee. Now release the dog!"

THWHACK!

Luffy knocked the mayor out, whose name we will never know. "We don't have time for your brief appearance in this episode!"

"Luffy, how did you get out of that cage?"

"Zoro...I'm made of _rubber_. I can stretch thorough any opening!"

Luffy went back in the cage.

"THEN WHY THE HELL DID YOU GO BACK IN THE CAGE?"

"I DON'T KNOW! AHHH! HOW DO I GET OUT?!"

* * *

_At the evil rooftop lair of Buggy the Clown..._

Buggy walked up to his first mate Mohji the Lion Tamer.

"Mohji I want you to go and fight that rubber boy, even though he's a main character and you're a second-rate character with no hope of defeating him."

"Well, let me see..." said Mohji, pulling out an agenda. "I have to burn down a house at three, another at three thirty, watching it in all its flaming glory. At four I must devise a way to set fire to the ocean - _god how I loathe it! _Then I need to feed Ritchie and I must set fire to the food, then set fire to Ritchie, then go to sleep and burn my bed. And I hope to dream of setting fire to lots of things. I simply don't have the time. Hmmm..I guess if I moved my plan to set fire to the ocean to four-thirty...Ok, I'll go."

Mohji walked off to defeat Luffy. As one can imagine, may things were set on fire, but really only a pet shop that ChouChou the dog had been guarding.

"Oh, I get it!" said Luffy, after defeating Mohji, "Even though your owner died, you're still protecting the pet shop in memory of him! Or something like that."

"Woof! Bark! Bark, Woof! Woof, Woof, Grrr-Bark Woof!" barked/woofed/growled ChouChou, which translated as:_ 'No, you brainless fool, I locked myself out and tried to get back in by burning the door down. Didn't work out quite as I had planned, though...'_

* * *

Buggy walked up to his second mate Cabaji, who was staring at a spinning top.

"Cabaji," said Buggy, trying to get his attention.

"Oooo...spinny"

"Cabaji," said Buggy more loudly.

"...Ooooo...spinny..."

"Cabaji!" Buggy grabbed the spinning top off the table.

Cabji froze, and looked up at Buggy, his eyes full of tears. "WAAAAH! ME WANT SPINNY BACK!"

"Geez! Stop that, you're freaking me out! I want you to beat up the rubber boy. Naturally, since you're the second mate on the crew, I'm sure you'll have a much easier time defeating a person with devil fruit powers than the first mate, who is much stronger than you but who couldn't defeat rubber boy."

"Then...I can have spinny back?" asked the acrobat swordsman, his eyes still brimming with tears.

"Sigh..._Yes_, you can have spinny back."

"Yay! Spinny!" Cabaji brandished a pair of swords and sat on a unicycle. "Now, where is that rubber man? I'm gonna kick his ass!"

"Not today!" said Luffy, barging into the scene.

"Wait, Luffy! You already fought, even though it was off screen. Let me have some screen time," said Zoro.

"Well...alright. After all, all you've done this episode is cry about getting painfully stabbed in the side. Wuss."

"Mmmhrmmrffff!" Zoro already had his sword in his mouth, so he couldn't retaliate to the insluting but true comment.

"You have no chance against me and my Olympic gold medal-winning acrobatic skills!" proclaimed Cabaji.

Unfortunately for Cabaji, his skills where no match for sharp and deadly swords, and he lost within seconds.

* * *

Meanwhile, three yards away from Zoro, Luffy and Buggy were having a slow battle due to the fact that flashbacks kept getting in the way.

"Your hat looks just like the one that my former best friend Shanks used to wear," reminisced Buggy.

"You know Shanks?"

"Know him? He's the reason why I've never been able to get over my entirely irrational fear of clowns! Ever since I can remember I've had Coulrophobia, so one day when I was taking a nap Shanks thought it would be a good idea to super glue a rubber clown nose onto my nose, and it's never come off after all those years! I think that it's actually fused with my nose now. And every time I look in a mirror, I see a clown! So I now have Eisoptrophobia, fear of mirrors, too!"

"Whoa! You nose looks like a clown's!" said Luffy, just noticing Buggy's strange nose.

"EEK! Clown? WHERE? I mean... Didn't you listen to anything I said?"

"Nope. 'Cause I'm gonna be king of the pirates!"

"And why is that?"

"Kings always make the worst decisions. I'm perfectly suited for the job! Yep, that's me!" said Luffy, pointing to himself

"Oh _honestly_, if your king of the pirates then I'm god of the pirates."

THWACK!

"NO, I AM A GOD! AND EVERYTHING I DO IS RIGHT!" cried a man with an axe for a hand.

"BOW DOWN TO THE SKY LORD, FOOLISH MORTAL!" exclaimed a shirtless man.

The two characters proceeded to beat Buggy to a bloody pulp. There was lots of lightning and stabbing and blood-gushing sound effects.

"Ha, no one steals my character!" said the axe-handed man.

"Nor mine!" said the shirtless man.

The two looked at each other.

"YOU STOLE MY CHARACTER!" yelled both of them, and began to fight. A moment later, the clown blasted off somewhere Team-Rocket Style, and the two disappeared as suddenly as they had appeared.

"Well, I guess everything turned out the way it should have!" yelled Luffy in his constantly-yelling voice.

Nami, sitting on a bag of treasure, was thoroughly confused with all that had just happened."What are you talking about? That last part made no logical sense whatsoever! How did Morgan escape from prison, and who was that shirtless guy with the freakishly long earlobes? How did they get here and disappear so quickly?"

"Time Warp."

_Ah, Time Warps...the answer to all fictional problems..._

* * *

**Bonus  
**_(Nami and Luffy on the small boats, Zoro asleep)_  
**Luffy:** Zoro! Wake up!  
**Nami**: it's not working. _(clashes a pair of cymbals)  
(Zoro remains asleep)_  
**Nami**: I give up.  
**Luffy**: Wait! I have an idea!  
_(Luffy goes off screen. The song from the Pepsi commercial starts playing)_  
**Luffy**: This'll wake him up!  
_( They make the sleeping Zoro drink the Pepsi. Zoro jolts awake, takes the Pepsi, and tilts his head back and forth to the tune of the song. Luffy joins in.)_  
**Narrator**: _**WAKE UP, PEOPLE!**  
(Luffy and Zoro continue dancing)_  
**Nami**: stop that!

* * *

_A/N: Haha... I think I may have overdid it with the 'Burn the witch' joke ...that line was from Monty Python but that's one of the best lines : )  
...But anyway... Please review! OR 4KIDS WILL TAKE OVER THE WORLD!  
Disclaimer: 4kids will not take over the world if no one reviews. But please review anyway!_


	4. The Hello Kitty Pirates

_A/N: Again, sorry for the long update. I've been lazy lately, but I can mostly guarantee that Chapter 5, which will contain Usopp's and Zoro's abridged pasts, will be out next __m__onth. Keep reading, OP Abridged readers! And thanks to everyone who sent in reviews!_

_Yay! I finally figured out how to insert these line doohickeys! :D_

* * *

_**One Piece the Abridged Series - Chapter 4**_

"We need a ship," Nami said bluntly. The crew had managed to escape an angry mob of townsfolk who attacked after Luffy defeated Buggy, and now they were in the middle of the ocean, in two small boats.

"Why?" asked Zoro.

"WHY?! How do you expect us to survive on the ocean? We only have these two tiny boats. If we were to come across a whirlpool, we'd be smashed to smithereens!"

As if on cue, a whirlpool appeared a few hundred feet away.

"Hey, there's a whirlpool! Let's go toward it! I like whirlpools! Yay!" exclaimed Luffy.

Nami hit Luffy over the head. "NO YOU IDIOT! DO YOU WANT TO GET US KILLED?"

"Still, though," said Zoro, "What are the chances we'll find an unguarded ship?"

After awhile, they came across a large island. A sign on one of the docks read 'WELCOME TO MANSION ISLAND.'

"Hmmm...I wonder if there are any ships there," pondered Nami. Then she noticed the text below the sign which read:

'FILLED WITH RICH PEOPLE  
WHO HAVE LOTS OF GOLD, JEWELS,  
AND UNGUARDED SHIPS,  
BECAUSE WE'RE TOO BUSY PARTYING'

Loud music could be heard a ways away.

Nami's eyes turned into beri signs "We're going to that island!"

Luffy turned to look at it. "It looks boring. I bet they don't have any ships there."

"WHAT? YOU IDIOT!" Nami hit him over the head again. "Then where else do you propose we go? Do you see any other place with unguarded ships?"

Luffy turned to looks around. There was another island, directly across from Mansion Island, shrouded in mist. Through the mist a dilapidated sign, hanging crooked over a collapsed dock, could just barely be seen.

The sign read:  
'WELCOME TO ISLA DE MUERTA.  
THAT MEANS "ISLAND OF DEATH."  
...IF YOU SET FOOT HERE, YOU _WILL_ DIE.'

The sound of a bloodcurdling scream, a wolf howl, and the crack of lightning came from the island.

"Cool! A mystery island! We can probably find a ship there!" said Luffy.

Below the sign read:  
'THERE ARE NO SHIPS HERE'

"We're not going there Luffy! I keep telling you, let's go to Mansion Island!"

"No!"

"Yes!"

"No!"

"Yes!"

"No!"

"Yes!"

"THAT'S ENOUGH!" yelled Zoro, "We're going to the next island we see. Happy?"

* * *

"One week later," said a dull voice as the words it spoke appeared on screen.

"I wonder when we're going to find that island..." said Nami.

"Two weeks later," said the same voice.

"I'm hungry," said Luffy.

"Five weeks later," the voice said.

"ARGH! I can't take it anymore! We've been adrift for five weeks and haven't spotted a single island!" cried Zoro.

"Zoro, it hasn't been five weeks. It's been five minutes," said Nami, "There's some weird guy with a dull voice standing out in the middle of the ocean holding note cards with '(X number) of weeks later' written on them."

"Oh."

The aforementioned dull-voiced guy waved at the pirates. He was standing in the middle of the ocean, just as Nami had said.

A short pause, and Luffy and Zoro realized...

"Hey! You've been misleading us as to how long we've been out at sea!" exclaimed Luffy.

"Get him!" cried Zoro.

A few fight scenes later, an island finally came into sight.

"An island! Let's go toward it! I like islands! Yay!" yelled Luffy.

As the trio stepped off the tiny boats onto the island they noticed a welcoming sign, similar to the ones at the previous islands.

It read:  
'WELCOME TO SYRUP VILLAGE  
PIRATE-ATTACK FREE FOR 150 YEARS'

* * *

**_Chapter Four: The Hello Kitty Pirates_**

"Pirates are coming! The pirates are coming!" yelled a long-nosed teen, running through Syrup Village. His yells of lies woke up anyone who was still asleep, and annoyed the hell out of everyone who was already awake.

The boy continued running and spewing more lies as several of the villagers chased him with torches and pitchforks. "I'm a millionaire! My shoes are made of gold! The check's in the mail! The sky is falling! Global Warming is a scam!"

In a secluded hut away from the village, an undercover World Government agent rushed to his transponder snail to phone World Government Headquarters.

"Sir, the long-nosed boy knows our secret! Should we activate the Buster Call?"

"No," said someone on the other end, "He is a reputed liar; no one will take him seriously. The secret is safe."

"Mwahahahaha!" evilly laughed the two.

Usopp met up with his pirate crew, which consisted of three boys, Carrot, Pepper, and Onion. They were constantly teased for their ridiculous names (What kind of parents names their kids after vegetables?)

"Hey there Captain! What brave deeds are you going to do today?" said Carrot.

"Well, first I'm going to solve the problem of the world's dependency on gasoline, tell no one about it, and rescue Princess Zelda in my new _Legend of Zelda_ video game."

Pepper rolled his eyes. "You're such a liar."

At that moment, Onion came running up to the group, shouting "Pirates! There are pirates here! The pirates are coming!"

"Hey, that's my lie! Get your own!" said Usopp angrily.

"But it's true! There's a pirate flag and everything!" protested Onion.

"Uh-huh. Just like the last time you thought you saw a pirate flag?" said Pepper.

"Well, sorry! I'd never seen a marine flag before, I automatically assumed it was a pirate ship. But seriously, this time there are pirates! If you don't believe me, come see!"

Onion led the rest of the group to the port. Upon seeing the pirates, the three boys ran away in fear, but Usopp stayed to tell lies to try and get them off the island

(Lies included the village was filled with undead zombies who would eat your brains, the island has no sewage system so it really smells, this town has already been plundered (which they knew to be an obvious lie because of the welcoming sign), etc.)

They didn't believe a word of it, so they went into town to get some food at a restaurant, and Usopp came with them. Then Usopp left to go somewhere. The Vegetable Pirates barged into the restauraunt, believing the pirates had eaten their captain.

"Give us back our Captain!" said Pepper.

"Mmm! That meat sure was good!" said Luffy.

"M-meat?" stuttered Onion.

Pepper and Onion fainted.

"Please don't eat me!" pleaded Carrot "I look nothing like a carrot! Who's ever heard of a purple Carrot anyway! Eat my friends instead!"

The Straw Hats sweatdropped.

* * *

Usopp sneaked onto the grounds of a large mansion.He climbed a tree next to a window.

"Hi there Kaya! I've come to tell you more stories!" said Usopp to a girl with pale blonde hair.

Usopp fell out of the tree.

_Hee hee hee. Usopp's stupidity is fun to laugh at, l_aughed/thought Kaya.

The noise of Usopp's fall was heard by Kar..Klak...khal...uh, Kaya's Butler.

"YOU!" yelled th Butler, "You're trespassing! you've been warned not to come here! Leave here at once!"

"Kalh...kak...uh, Butler! Leave Usopp alone. He just came here to cheer me up!"

"Miss Kaya, I simply don't want you to be hanging around with such riffraff," explained the Butler.

"And what's that supposed to mean?" said Usopp.

"You're father is a no-good pirate. You're no different. And you smell, " said the Butler.

"Stop insulting my father whom I never knew! He wasn't a pirate. He was an honest merchant."

"Hell no. Your father was a pirate, notoriously known as 'Bootstrap' Bill."

"WHAT?"

"Oops...wrong line... What was it you said before?"

"Ummm...'Stop insulting my father?' " said a confused Usopp.

"No, Usopp! I am your father!"

"NOOOOO!" screamed Usopp.

"Nah. I'm just messing with your mind. But seriously... You're trespassing. RELEASE THE HELLCATS!"

A pack of gigantic fiery red cats chased Usopp out of the masion's grounds.

"What's with you and cats?" said Kaya.

"Nothing!" _She knows my secret...Note to self: kill the girl._

* * *

Nami, Zoro, Carrot and Pepper were leaning against a wooden fence. They didn't know why they were there, and, quite frankly, had no idea how they had gotten there. Just then, Onion came running up the road, shouting "AHHH! Backwards man! There's a man walking backwards down the road!"

A minute later, a man came into sight, and, just as Onion had said, he was walking backwards. When he walked by the group of pirates and wannabe-pirates, he stopped and said "Hey there kids, wanna see a magic trick."

"We don't want to see no magic trick," said Pepper.

"Alright then, on the count of 'Django'." One, Two, DJAN-GO!"

Django fell asleep.

"What the hell was that supposed to do?" said Pepper.

* * *

Usopp sat under a tree, silently fuming about Kak...klar...the Butler guy.

"HEY THERE, USOPP!" shouted Luffy, sneaking up on Usopp. "I remembered!"

"Remembered what?"

"I remember where I've heard your name before! I met your dad ten years ago. He's a member of my favorite pirate crew!"

"You knew my father!"

"Yep!"

_-Mini Flashback-_

_Luffy and Yassop were sitting in the bar owned by Makino._

_"Y'know...I have a son... about your age..." said Yassop drunkenly._

_"You've already told me that fifty times today!" said kid Luffy, annoyed._

_"And you're going to hear it fifty more times!"_

_-End of Mini Flashback-_

"Don't worry about what that Butler guy said about your dad, he's a good person," said Luffy.

"Thanks, Luffy," _I think that's the first time I've heard him say anything that didn't have to do with food..._

The two boys heard talking. They looked down at the beach from the cliff they were on. The Butler was talking to the backwards-walking man.

"So, are the preparations for my plan that I have been planning for years for the pirate attack on the village that will give me an excuse to kill that terribly annoying girl so I can get my hands on all her money, are ready I assume?" said the Butler.

"Yes, Captain Kuro," replied Django.

"HEY! Since when was your name Kuro?" yelled Luffy. Django and Kuro looked up, and saw Luffy and Usopp.

"Django, kill that Straw Hat brat, but don't bother with the long-nose. No one will believe his stories."

Luffy was hypnotized and fell off the cliff, asleep but alive. Usopp ran away to tell Kaya about the plot, but she didn't believe him.

* * *

"Miss Kaya, are you sure you're all right?"

"I don't know Merry. Usopp usually lies about things like that, but he seemed so desperate. But a pirate attack on the town? Ridiculous."

There was a knock at the door.

"I'll get it," said Merry. He opened it and stood face-to-face with a group of pirates, one of them aiming a pistol at him.

" 'Evnin', chum," said the pirate, and shot Merry.

Kaya sceamed."NO! MERRY!"

"Don't worry Miss Kaya, I'm quite all right," said Merry, getting up and brushing himself off.

"Kaya?" said one of the pirates, confused. Isn't your name Elizabeth?"

"Oh, that's the mansion in the next town you're looking for," said Merry.

"Oh...right...sorry for the misunderstanding," said the pirate, and he and the others left.

"Well, that was a bit odd," said Merry.

"Good night Merry, I'm going to bed. And I probably won't hear any cries for help or screams since I am a very deep sleeper." Kaya walked upstairs.

"Oh! That reminds me! I have to give the Butler his glasses!" Merry looked all around the house for the Butler. He searched all 5 floors and 165 rooms, and finally found him in a room that also happened to be soundproof.

"Hi there Butler, here's a gift from Miss Kaya." Merry handed him the present

"Ooo! Glasses!" said the Butler, opening the gift. He tried them on and looked in the mirror. Immediately he smashed them with his foot. "These glasses make me look like a nerd! Oh, I see! Just because I'm an evil genius makes you assume I'd wear nerdy glasses! Well, I'm going to finish what the pirates of the Carribean started and kill you!" Kuro took out a glove with swords on each finger.

* * *

The Straw Hats and Usopp were gathered at the port where he had seen Kuro and Django talking. Most of the group was trying to figure out a way to stop them from coming. Usopp, on the other hand, had a different idea.

Pirates are going to attack the island. Revenge will be mine at last! Mwaha. Mwahahaha. MWAHAHAHAHAHA!" said Usopp

"You know, maybe it would be a better idea if you saved the village. Then they'd like you better," said Nami.

"REVENGE! SWEET REVE- What was that?"

"Save the village," repeated Nami, "Then they'll like you better, and give you presents in gratitude, such as money... which I will then steal..." The last five words were said in an undertone.

So, Usopp and the three Straw Hats filled the port entrance with lots and lots of oil, so it was impossible to get up the hill.

"Are you sure the pirates will be coming from this port?" said Nami.

"Yep! I'm sure," said Usopp.

"And you do know that there are 50 other ports on this island?"

"Yes."

"So what makes you certain they're coming to this one?"

"I've got a hunch!"

Nami sweatdropped

So they waited. And waited and waited. And just for good measure, they waited some more. But they pirates didn't come.

"Where are they?" wondered Usopp.

"I think I hear some noise coming from the north. Like 'Arghhh! Let's burn down the town', " said Nami.

"Oh no! they must have come through the north port. I never thought of that."

Luffy and Usopp ran to the port, Usopp arriving there first since Luffy got lost. Nami arrived after him. Zoro got stuck in the oil spill at the other port. There wasn't any cool fight scenes, so we'll just skip to the intro of Luffy and Zoro, the only members on the current crew that can actually fight.

"ARGH! They're too strong!" said the Black Cat Pirates, who were getting their asses whooped by Luffy and Zoro.

"HA! What kind of name is 'Black Cat Pirates'?" retorted Usopp. "It sounds like an all-female witches' coven of pirates to me."

"Alrighty then, I'll just hypnotize the crew to be stronger. And from now on, we're known as the Hello Kitty Pirates. One, Two, DJAN-GO!"

They newly renamed Hello Kitty Pirates charged forward, considerably stronger. However, Luffy had gotten hypontized too, and went on a crazy rampage.

"AHHHHHHHHHHHH!" yelled Luffy, going crazy and punching out many of the pirates. Then he ran up to the Hello Kitty's ship.

"Luffy's gone crazy!" said Nami.

"He's eating the ship!" cried Usopp.

"Ew! This ship tastes like crap. I like crap! I'm gonna eat it! Yay!" Luffy continued to eat the ship.

"Dang, I have to stop this - One, Two, DJAN-GO!"

Luffy fell asleep, snoring "SNORE...mememememeat...SNORE...mememememeat..."

Two figures appeared from the top of the ship.

"Haven't you guys gotten to the village yet?" said the large outline of one of the figures.

"Ah! What happened to the other half of the ship? This is no not fabulous," said the thinner figure.

To Be Continued...

* * *

On the next episode of One Piece the Abridged: The conclusion of the Hello Kitty story arc, and Usopp's somewhat tragic past and Zoro's slightly more tragic past!

_A/N: T__h__anks for reading! Don't forget to review!_


	5. Flashbacks Galore

_A/N: A _One Piece the Abridged Series_ record! This is out so early because I already had Usopp and Zoro's pasts written down, and also the free time from Spring Break. It's unlikely I'll update this fast again, but this chapter is long enough to last until the next update. _

_(Seriously. It's got like 5 or 6 episodes crammed into one chapter. Plus, there's a bonus preview at the end!)_

_And now, the somewhat thrilling conclusion to the Hello Kitty Pirate story arc! _

* * *

_**Chapter 5: Flashbacks Galore**_

The two figures descended from the ship.

"It's the Meowban brothers, Butchie and Siam! They'll stop those brats!" said a Hello Kitty Pirate.

"Meowban?" said Zoro, "Is that really your last name, or did you just make that up?"

"Shut up, you!" said Siam, running towards Zoro.

"Ha! Take that, cat freak!" said Zoro, swinging his sword at him. Siam was fast, however, and dodged the attack, managing to steal two of Zoro's swords.

Butchie launched an attack. He jumped in the air, yelling "ATTACK OF THE CAT PUNS! CAT-APULT CAT-ASTROPHE!"

"Oh God, not cat puns!" cried Zoro, barely dodging Butchie's attack.

"Oh, that's not the worst of it," said Butchie. "On three, Siam. And a 1 and a 2 and a 1,2,3…"

"Meow-meow-meow- meow, Meow-meow-meow- meow, Meow-meow-meow- meow-meow-meow- meow- meow," sang Siam.

"No! NOT THE MEOW MIX SONG!" screamed Zoro.

_I have to get Zoro's swords,_ thought Nami, _ I can sell them for a ton of money!_

Butchie and Siam launched more attacks, including another Cat-Pun attack. Siam managed to slash Zoro with his cat-like claw gloves. Creepy cat obsessed people and their weird cat accessories…

Nami ran over to get Zoro's swords, but was cut on the shoulder by Django's chakram.

"No! I'm not supposed to be injured, I'm just here to look pretty and steal money…!" cried Nami, clutching her bloodstained shoulder and collapsing.

_Well, it's official. Nami's completely useless,_ thought Zoro.

_Ha, now that everyone thinks I'm out cold, I can take my treasure, steal the swords, and get out of here! _thought Nami.

Nami slowly got up, but at that moment two things happened: Luffy woke up and Django threw a chakram at Nami's head. The chakram instead hit Luffy in the head, embedding itself in his brain. How he survived, we'll never know.

In the confusion, Nami inadvertently kicked the swords towards Zoro. He quickly defeated the Meowban brothers, saving the authoress time and writing space.

"Hey, you're just to lazy to write an action scene!"

_Er…Quiet you! _

Zoro was rendered unable to speak for the rest of the story arc.

* * *

Kuro entered the scene. "What is this? Are you all really that weak? And what's happened to all the action scenes?"

"Ah! Cap'n Kuro! It's not our fault! These kids are really strong."

"Yeah. They're more like monsters than pirates! They're, like, pirate-monsters!"

"Fools, you foolish fools! You're all weak. And that's why I'm going to kill you all."

"KLAL…KAD…er, BUTLER!" cried a voice behind Kuro.

"Ah, Miss Kaya. What are you doing here?"

"Is it true? Are you really a pirate?"

"I practically killed the sheep guy, I want you dead, and I'm talking with pirates. I'm not a pirate anymore, but you should realize by now that I'm extremely evil."

"I'll stop you kaka…kald…BUTLER!" yelled Kaya

And then Kaya pulled out...a slingshot.

"Kaya, put down the slingshot!" Usopp yelled.

"Bwahahaha! You really think that will stop me?" laughed Kuro.

Kaya shrugged. "Well, I figured it would be better than a gun. These are verrrry destructive!"

"You can't possibly think you're going to shoot me with that. I'm the one who took care of you when you were sick. You're weak and fragile. Not to mention you have no hand-eye coordination. I mean, you can't even turn on a TV with a TV remote. That's awfully pathetic."

"I trusted you Klad...Ko...Kaka...Baka...er, Butler!"

"For the last time, my name is Klahadore! Well, it's actually Kuro, but you never once called me 'Klahadore!' It was always 'Butler'! Do you have any idea how long I've had to suffer with everyone not able to pronounce my name, always calling me 'Butler'? It's one of the many reasons I want to destroy this village."

_Instant Flashback!_

_"Good morning, Butler!"_

_"Hey, Butler!"_

_"How's it hanging Butler?"_

_"Yo, Butler dude!"_

_End of Instant Flashback!_

"But...why? You took care of me when I was ill. You were such a kind person! We were such good friends!" cried Kaya.

"What are you talking about?"

_Instant Flashback #2!_

_"Butler, could I have more pudding?" said a younger Kaya._

_"Not now, there's none left," said Kuro/Butler_

_"I WANT PUDDING!" She threw an empty pudding dish at him, which missed and smashed a 50 thousand-beri vase._

Must...resist...impulse...to kill...brat... _"Alright Kaya, I'll get you some pudding."_

_A few minutes later..._

_"Here you go, some nice vanilla pudding."_

_"Vanilla? I WANTED CHOCOLATE!" Kaya threw the vanilla pudding at Kuro, which hit him, completely ruining his new suit. Incidentally, he never got it cleaned after that incident, and the stains of the vanilla pudding, shaped like poop, can still be seen on his suit jacket today._

_Kaya proceeded to tear the room apart, continuously shouting "I WANT PUDDING!"_

Find...happy place...

_-Inside Kuro's mind-_

_Kuro remembered his first pet cat. "Awww, Mister Whiskers! I could never leave you." _

_End of Instant Flashback #2!_

"I only pretended to be kind. From the moment I started working as a butler, I was plotting your death. It's all part of my plan to settle down and not be a pirate anymore without anyone knowing about my pirate past."

"In that case, why didn't you rob a bank, have a Kuro look-a-like be arrested instead of you, and settle down on some tropical island with your money?" said Kaya.

"No! I must make an unnecessarily long and complicated plan! Why do you think I'm called 'Kuro of the Thousand Plans'? It's because it takes 1,000 plans for me to do one simple task!"

"Enough of this. Carrot! Onion! Pepper! Get Kaya out of here!" yelled Usopp.

"Oh no you don't," said Django, quickly moonwalking after the three boys and Kaya.

* * *

Django moonwalked as fast as he could, but he lost the group of four in the forest. However, instead of doing the smart thing and running to the village, the Vegetables snuck up behind Django and attacked him with shovels and pans, severely beating the crap out of him. Usopp and Zoro ran after Django to stop him, but found Carrot, Pepper, and Onion still beating the crap out of him.

"Hey, that was supposed to be my big heroic scene when I save Kaya!" grumbled Usopp. "If anyone asks, I beat him and saved you three."

* * *

Kuro prepared to destroy the Hello Kitty Pirates and Luffy. "And now…cat-related phrase attack, OUT OF THE BAG ATTACK!"

Kuro pulled a cat out of a bag. This was no ordinary cat, it was one of the hellcats he had released to chase Usopp in the previous episode.

Unfortunately for Kuro, the cat was no match for Luffy, who was still hungry despite eating half a pirate ship.

Luffy had lost a lot of blood. Not as much compared to how much Zoro looses, but still, quite a lot. He needed to end this, to come up with a clever idea to defeat Kuro. In order to defeat the villain, he had to come up with an original move that he'd never used before, and he'd have to make it up right this minute. Which, despite his lack of brainpower, was quite easy, since he's the main character and all.

"GUM-GUM…BELL!" shouted Luffy as he stuck a giant bell onto Kuro's head and punched him, finally knocking him out. Then Luffy kicked him, just for good measure.

* * *

After the fighting, Usopp called a meeting with his pirate crew.

"Guys, I'm leaving to become a pirate," he declared.

The boys burst into laughter.

"That's a good one captain! Seriously, what'd you bring us here for?"

"I'm not lying! And I'm disbanding Usopp's pirate crew! _Kthanksbye_"

With no time for emotional good-byes, Usopp packed up his things and joined the Straw Hats. Kaya gave the crew a ship in gratitude for saving the village. It was named the Going Merry. It was a small and ridiculous-looking ship which at first they thought was a joke, and that the ship they were getting was somewhere else, perhaps hidden behind it; but to their disappointment this really was the ship.

Merry and Kaya sat on a cliff, watching the ship sail out.

"Merry, I've been wondering…"

"What is it Miss Kaya?"

"We never saw Usopp's flashback."

* * *

"Usopp! We never saw your flashback! Tell us your tragic past so we can see whose is more tragic!" said Luffy.

"We never saw my past either, but does anyone care what my childhood was like? No," said Nami. No one paid any attention to her.

"You _don't_ want to see my flashback," said Usopp.

"Then I guess we'll just read it in the manga," said Luffy with a grin.

"Oh, fine. Here's my flashback!"

"I heard about Usopp's story from one of the villagers," said Merry, "It started like this…"

* * *

"Usopp, I have a confession to make. I'm not your real father," said Yassop.

Usopp spoke with an eloquent and manly voice "What do you mean, father?"

"Your real father is Pinocchio."

"So…does that mean I am made of wood?"

"Yes, you're made of wood," he said sarcastically as he rolled his eyes, "Make sure you never go near fire. Oh, and you float in water."

"Cool!" Usopp jumped into the water and sank.

Yassop pulled him out of the water. "I'm not done with my monologue.  
Anyway, I'm leaving you and your mother on this dreary little island where you can do nothing with your lives. As for me, I'm gonna do something worthwhile with my life – get drunk every night, steal treasure from innocent bystanders, and maybe kill a marine or two. So long, kid!"

Awhile later, his mother got sick and died. So to cope with that, he started lying.

"The pirates are coming! The pirates are coming!"

"Shut up you ugly Pinocchio kid!" yelled a random villager.

Usopp's head rolled around creepily, and when he spoke, his voice was no longer elegant and manly, but similar to what some describe as a leprechaun on crack. "_Pirates will come one day, and you'll be sorry you didn't listen to me! Beware! Beeeewaaaaaare!_"

* * *

"And that's Usopp's tragic past," said Merry.

"What in the name of bloody hell happened to his voice?" said Kaya.

"Beats me," shrugged Merry.

"Merry…"

"Yes, Miss Kaya?"

"I think I'll become a doctor."

Merry stifled a laugh.

* * *

Back on the Going Merry…or Merry Go…? Going Crazy…? Whatever you people want to call it…Usopp had finished telling the crew his past.

'Whoa, what the hell happened to your voice?!' was the reaction from Nami and Luffy, except for Zoro who was, of course, asleep.

"Well, uh, the trauma from loosing my mother made me lose my elegant manly voice and turned it into a leprechaun on crack."

"Okayyyy…." said Luffy.

"Jeez, Usopp. That's the lamest tragic flashback I've ever seen. I mean, compared to me, you had it easy!" They didn't pay any attention to Nami. "Hey! Doesn't anyone want to see my more tragic past? I need your pity, people!"

"Anyway," said Usopp, "All my lying was just my way of coping with the pain of losing my mother and keeping alive the hope that one day my father would return from the sea."

"So now that you're going away and actually becoming a pirate, you're better now!" cheered Luffy.

"No, I'm still a very emotionally unstable person and continually use lying to cover up my fears."

Luffy hadn't been listening to a word Usopp said. "Yep, you're all better now, all better! Yay!"

* * *

So, the crew sailed, coming across an island inhabited by a bunch of weird creatures and a man with Chia Pet hair. Nami had a case of déjà vu, wondering why they were here, since she was sure that they had already come here after leaving the town where Buggy was. After all, that's what she read in the manga. So the crew left, leaving the Chia Pet hair man very confused.

As the Going Mad sailed on, the crew did nothing of importance, so now that there's free time, we can answer a very important question. What does Zoro dream about? It's flashback time!

* * *

An adorably cute chibi-kid Zoro with an equally adorably cute voice, but also tough and cocky in an adorably cute way walked into a Kendo Dojo.

"I'm here to steal your Dojo sign old man!" said the chibi-Zoro to a thin man with glasses.

"Alright, you can fight my daughter Kuina," said the man.

"A girl? This'll be my easiest win yet!" Zoro took a number of shinai (bamboo swords) and got ready to fight.

In a matter of seconds, one whack to the face and he was down.

"Ha! What a weakling," said Kuina, "And you said this would be your easiest win? How did you manage to take the signs from the other Dojos if you're this weak?"

"Well, duh! I stole them in the dead of night so I didn't have to fight anyone. I've never even used a shinai before!"

"Then why didn't you steal this sign in the dead of night? It would have saved you the humiliation of loosing to a girl! And that's me! Ha-ha, you were beaten by a girl! You're such a looser!" Kuina continued to spout insults, going into a state of gloating.

"I would have stolen it in the dead of night, but it's kind of hard to when this Dojo is open 24-7!" said Zoro angrily.

"Don't your parents worry about where you are?" said Kuina's father.

"Uhhh…"

_Flashback in a flashback!_

"_Ok kids, line up so I can make sure you're all here," said a man, presumably Zoro's father, "Now let's see…Amanda, Bob, Catherine, David, Edith, Frank, Georgina, Hank, Isabelle, James, Karen, Louis, Melinda, Nate, Opal, Percy, Queenie, Ralph, Stacie, Travis, Ursula, Victor, Wendy, Xavier, Yvonne…and…hey, where's Zoro? How dare he ruin the sibling alphabet!" _

_-Random kid knocks on door-_

"_Hi there would you like to buy-"_

"_Hey kid, what's your name?"_

"_Uh…Zachary."_

"_Close enough. Welcome to the family!"_

_End of flashback in a flashback. _

"Big family. They'll never notice I'm gone," Zoro said simply.

* * *

Zoro trained day after day, and still he couldn't beat Kuina. Time for a training montage!

(Imagine Zoro training, the _Rocky_ theme playing, etc.)

Despite the awesome _Rocky_ training montage, Zoro still lost against Kuina.

_Maybe a different song for my training montage will help me defeat her!_ Thought Zoro

(Imagine Zoro training, and "I'll make a man out of you" from _Mulan_ playing, etc.)

Despite all the awesome training montages, Zoro lost to Kuina – all 2000 matches. And that's over the course of a year, which is more than 3 matches per day. So as you can imagine, Zoro is pretty damn frustrated.

Kuina, on the other hand, was just as frustrated. She getting older, which meant that, being a girl, she'd be getting weaker. She was also rather ticked off that her father wouldn't let her be head of the Dojo. One night when she heard her father talking to another man about it, she confronted him.

"Dad, why can't I be head of the Dojo?" said Kuina.

"Kuina, the truth is, us men are a bunch of sexist morons who believe women can't do anything useful, let alone become the world's greatest swordsman and run a Dojo. The idea is preposterous!"

Kuina ran away and found Zoro, who had been looking for her.

"Hey Kuina, wanna duel with real swords and possibly get decapitated?"

"No, I've already had to get my head sewn back on twice this week."

"Aw, come on! This explains to the readers why I'm so overly obsessive about being the world's greatest swordsman!"

"What the heck, I'll be dead in a few scenes anyway."

"Wait, what?"

There was a clash, a clang, and a girly scream from Zoro. The whole fight lasted about two seconds.

"Damn, I so obviously lost again. I will someday become the world's greatest swordsman!"

"I want to be the world's greatest swordsman too, Zoro. I also wish I were a boy."

Awkward silence.

"We'll be friends forever!" said Zoro, breaking the awkward silence, "We'll both try and become the greatest swordsman, and fight each other for the title! Nothing can stand in our way! NOTHING!"

The next day:

"Kuina is _dead_," said her father.

"Noooooooooooo!" cried Zoro."How can this be? How could she die? We made a promise, dammit!"

"Did I say dead? I mean in a coma!"

"Oh...in that case, can I go see her?"

"No."

"Okayyy...How did she get in coma anyway?"

"She fell down the stairs."

"Ok then," but then he said skeptically, "Hold it! There aren't any stairs in this Dojo. There aren't any stairs in this town. For that matter, there aren't even any stairs within a 50-mile radius of this place!"

"Here, take her sword!" said Sensei quickly.

"Sweet, this sword's awesome. But… my friend's still dead."

The scene was suddenly filled with Disney movie references.

"I was your fault, Zoro! You're the reason your friend is dead!"

"What…what do I do?" said Zoro sadly.

"Runaway, Zoro. Leave this place and never come back."

Zoro ran away, but returned to the Dojo later that day because couldn't run away from his dream, but also because he couldn't run away from the Dojo. He just ended up running around in circles because of his poor sense of direction.

* * *

Zoro woke up to the sound of a cannon fire.

_Man, what a freaking weird dream,_ he thought as he got up to see where the sound had come from.

To Be Continued…

* * *

Preview for next chapter:

(It will take long to update, so to offer readers a glimpse of the next chapter…I present to you the introduction of the Brooklyn-accent with a head cold voice (and other such voice descriptions)...

…Sanji.

_Lt. Fullbody wafted in the scent of the purple-colored beverage and swirled it around in the glass. _

"_Ah! Excellent year, rich in sweetness, I'd say this is Concord grape juice! Am I right, waiter?" He looked over at the man who was serving them, a blonde with one eye (no, he wasn't missing an eye…you just…never see the other one…weird). _

_A text box appeared to the left of him, which read 'Sanji, Brooklyn-accented, foul-mouthed, skirt-chasing assistant chef on the Baratie'._

_Sanji angrily shredded up the textbox sign. _

_Now, slightly torn, it only read 'Sanji, assistant chef on the Baratie'._

"_Dead wrong, sir," said Sanji, serving the Lt. and his girlfriend their food, "Yoooou've just been served…" There was a cymbal 'da-dum-chee!' "…In more ways than one!" _

_The other diners laughed. _

_Fullbody was slightly angry, but recovered himself. "Er, Waiter!"_

"_Yes sir?" _

"_What is the percentage of poison in your food?"_

"_The lowest in the East Bloo!" said Sanji happily; his ridiculously thick Brooklyn accent making the "oo" sounds drag out. "All fooood is made of only 98.9 poison! And I'm not a waiter," he added casually. _

"_In that case, I won't be suing for food poisoning, waiter."_

Onto the Baratie arc, one of the best arcs to parody in my personal opinion, what with all the dub bashing opportunities-

Sanji's ridiculous voice!  
The crappy food puns!  
The complete lack of blood in the Mihawk vs. Zoro fight!  
POISONED SUCTION CUPS!

Don't stop reading, there's more to come! Up next is Chapter 6, involving the introductions of Sanji, Gin, and Kreig, and, in addition, possibly an un-bloody battle between two swordsmen!

Chapter 6 - coming out whenever it comes out!


	6. You Got Served

_**FrescaPower**: (looking thru a telescope) next chapter right ahead!  
**Luffy**: (grabs telescope away) There's something else too!  
**FrescaPower**: (grabs it back) NO!! DREADED FINALS!! (jumps off Going Merry)  
**Luffy**: I was talking about summer.  
**FrescaPower**:(climbs back on ship) Eh heh...I knew that...__  
__Slow updating again, sorry! But summer is in sight! Maybe I'll get the next chapter out sooner, hopefully! : ) _

* * *

_**One** **Piece the Abridged Series**_

"TA-DA! It's done! Our pirate flag!"

"Luffy, there's nothing drawn on it," said Nami.

"Never fear, the Great Captain Usopp will create a masterpiece of a flag!"

Usopp's flag was a super-buffed muscular version of himself, with the words 'USOPP RULES' on the top.

"That's not our symbol!" said Luffy.

"Usopp, stop trying to get fangirls. You're a lost cause," said Nami.

"MY EYES!" cried Zoro, covering them as he pulled out a lighter. "That flag must burn!" He ran around the ship with the lighter, trying to find the flag and setting the sails on fire in the process.

* * *

**Episode 6: You Got Served**

"Before we head to the Grand Line, we'll need some one else...someone who can transform the goods in the galley to something edible," said Nami.

"A musician?"

"A cook, idiot! The musician won't join the crew until 250 or so more episodes!"

There was a loud noise from the deck. Luffy went to check it out; a man was tearing up the ship.

"HEY! Stop trashing our ship! You can't do that!"

"I can do whatever I want," said the man, "BECAUSE I'M VOICED BY DAN GR-!"

Luffy threw him into a pile of barrels.

* * *

"Johnny! What are you doing here?" said Zoro.

"It's Yosaku. He's sick, but not so sick that he might die."

"He looks kinda dead to me," remarked Usopp.

"Don't be stupid!" said Nami. "Luffy! Usopp! Get some apples from the galley."

"Apples?"

"Yes. I'm in the mood for an appletini."

"But about my aniki?" cried Johnny.

"Oh, he's got scurvy. No cure for that," she said quickly. "But don't worry about that. Now, if he dies, can I have the treasure on your ship?"

"I hear you're looking for a cook," said Johnny.

"When did we tell you that?" said Usopp.

Nami whacked him over the head. "Stop pointing out plot holes!" she hissed.

"There is a cook who might join you - he's on Baratie, the oceangoing restaurant. Though I must warn you, he has a ridiculous voice and oftentimes it's difficult to understand what he's saying." He turned to Zoro. "Aniki, they even say that Fancy-Pants you were looking for goes there."

"Is he as fancy as they say he is?"

"Even fancier."

* * *

"Three days later," said the dull voice from chapter four. A fish-shaped restaurant came into sight.

"Hey look a fish! I like fish! Can I eat it? YAY!"

"It's not a real fish, you know," sweatdropped Yosaku, who had miraculously recovered.

"Hey look an unreal fish! I like unreal fish! I'm gonna eat it! YAY!"

A Navy ship pulled up alongside the Going Merry.

"Sink that ship," ordered Fullbody.

"Yes, sir." BANG!

"Not that ship! The one over there!"

"Yes sir, sorry sir." BANG!

"No, the one with the painted flag!"

"Right, sir." BANG!

"NOT OUR SHIP YOU IMBECILE! THE PIRATE SHIP!"

"Then why didn't you tell me that earlier?"

Fullbody knocked the sailor over the head with his trademarked Iron Fist. "You there," he pointed to another sailor, "Sink it."

"Aye-Aye, Lieutenant."

The cannon ball sailed toward the Straw Hats' ship, but Luffy stopped it just in time.

"GUM-GUM... CALORIC EXPANSION!"

The cannon ball rebounded, and hit the restaurant.

* * *

Lt. Fullbody wafted in the scent of the purple-colored beverage and swirled it around in the glass.

"Ah! Excellent year, rich in sweetness, I'd say this is Concord grape juice! Am I right, waiter?"

He looked over at the man who was serving them, a blond with one eye (no, he wasn't missing an eye…you just…never see the other one…weird). A text box appeared to the left of him, which read 'Sanji, Brooklyn-accented, foul-mouthed, skirt-chasing assistant chef on the Baratie'.

Sanji angrily shredded up the text box sign.

Now, slightly torn, it only read 'Sanji, assistant chef on the Baratie'.

"Dead wrong, sir," said Sanji, serving the Lt. and his girlfriend their food, "Yoooou've just been served…" There was a clash cymbals ( 'da-dum-chee!') "…In more ways than one!"

The other diners laughed.

Fullbody was slightly angry, but recovered himself. "Er, Waiter!"

"Yes sir?"

"What is the percentage of poison in your food?"

"The lowest in the East Bloooo!" said Sanji happily, his thick Brooklyn accent making the "oo" sounds drag out. "All fooood is made of only 98.9 percent poison! And I'm not a waiter," he added casually.

"In that case, I won't be suing for food poisoning, waiter."

"Very well. And I'm not a waiter." Sanji left and returned sometime later with their orders.

"Waiter! What is this fly doing in my soup?" asked the Lt.

"Spreading deadly diseases of course. And I'm not a waiter," he added with a hint of anger in his voice.

"It shouldn't be there waiter, who is doing the waiting, waiting on my girlfriend and I, because you wait to take our orders, being the waiter who is waiting after all, waiter…"

Sanji became very angry. "I'm not a waiter!"

"Oh, terribly sorry waiter, who is waiting, being the waiter and all-"

"IT'S TOO LATE FOR APOLOGIES!" he yelled, absolutely enraged.

Fullbody chuckled. "I'm sorry, but it's just hard to take you seriously with that ridiculous voice…"

"It's not my fault that the writing staff decided I should sound like a mafia thug with a head cold and that guy with the tissue on his head from Monty Python. My brain hurts when I get angry, and guess what? **MY BRAIN HURTS**!

* * *

"CHORE BOY? But I've already waited 5 episodes to become a pirate and I'm not waiting any longer!" said Luffy.

"Fine. There is one other way. Give me a leg," said Chef Zeff.

"Do you mean figuratively give you a leg, or literally?"

"Literally."

"Hmmm...does it have to be my leg?"

Zeff thought for a moment. "I suppose not..."

"Then I'll be right back!" Luffy walked out of the room. "Hey Zoro, can I have one of your legs?"

"You mean figuratively, like 'lend a hand' right?"

"No, literally."

"Oh well in that case - WAIT A SECOND, _WHAT_? NO!"

Luffy and Zoro fought; Zoro sent him crashing through the ceiling and back into Zeff's room.

"Sorry. No leg."

* * *

A pirate by the name of Gin, or Ghin,( though there's no real difference...they're pronoinced practically the same anyway...) entered the restaurant and sat himself down in a chair. Patty, who talked like that guy who always goes "Yessssssssssssssss?" walked up to him.

"And what can I do for you sir?"

"Soyv me sum food."

"Pardon me sir, but...can you pay?"

"No."

"Then we cannot serve you."

"An' why is dat?"

"Because all our food comes from vending machines."

_In the kitchen of the Ocean-Going Restaurant..._

"Come on! Take the twenty!" yelled a cook, arguing with a vending machine that would not accept the money. "Take it!" He banged on the machine. The twenty was accepted - "Yes!"- and then spit back out. "NO! TAKE IT! TAKE IT, DAMMIT!" He shook the machine angrily and it fell on top of him. The other cooks looked over. "Sigh...it got another one..."

Gin was 'escorted' from the restaurant, but Sanji was out on the deck waiting for him with a plate of food.

"Food!" Gin dashed for it.

"Yes. Now, are you going to pay the bill, or get out? Cause if you don't pay the bill, then I'll have to kick you, then blood's gonna get on the floor, and the boss is going to get angry. So pay the bill, fool."

"Wow you're a great cook! Wanna join my pirate crew?" said Luffy, popping up out of nowhere.

"What? I know I have smelly shoes! It's 'cause I'm kicking people all day, and blood gets on them. But I can't wash them offf in the public restroom because the tap water ruins the leather!"

"Kid, if you're a pirate what's your prize?" asked Gin.

"The One Piece."

"All's I've gots to says is - DON'T GO TO THE GRAND LINE, OR YOU WILL DIE!"

"I'm main character! I can't die! I'M INVINCIBLE!"

To prove his point, Luffy dived into the ocean. He sank like a bag of hammers; Sanji pulled him out.

"Is it really that bad?" asked the cook.

"I know enough so that it scares me...We brought enough hamburgers to last a year, but on the sixth day, we realized," his voice became a whisper, "_We had no ketchup."_

_"There's no ketchup!"_

_"How will we survive?!"_

* * *

"Chore boy, I don't want to see a single dirty dish in this kitchen. You got that?" said Patty.

"Yes, sir!"

The_ Mission Impossible _theme played. Luffy stealthily snuck around the kitchen, smashing dirty plates into pieces if he spotted one.

"Stop that! Just go bus tables!"

"You want me to drive a bus into the tables? OKAY!" Luffy ran out of the kitchen.

"No, take their order-" Patty went into the dining area "Hey, where did you get that bus?"

"Why did all the waiters jump ship?" asked a cook.

"They found out that Chef Zeff's mustache braids are fake," replied Carne.

"NO! EVERYTHING I BELIEVE IN IS A LIE!" cried the cook, and jumped ship.

* * *

Sanji was, as usual, flirting. "You are an angel of the seas! You're my soy dreamsicle! My low-calorie Lean Cuisine!"

Nami glared at him suspiciously. "Are you calling me fat?"

"Only if you want me to, my love!"

* * *

_A few days later..._

"It's Kreig's ship!"

A beautiful and majestic ship, five times as big as the Baratie, was fast approaching.

"No, that ship over there."

A ruined ship approached Baratie. It looked like it had just been through the whirlpool/ Pirate vs. British Navy battle scene in _Pirates of the Caribbean 3._

Don Krieg and Gin entered; the former collapsed. "Please help! Da Don's on da verge of becomin' very very hungry, but not near-death hungry!"

Kreig started groveling. "Please... I'll take anything...caviar...file Mignon...foie gras...anything!"

"Here. You can eat this as long as you promise not to pillage this place," said Sanji.

Kreig greedily ate the dish of food. "Alright, now time to pillage this restauraunt!"

"_Not again_...," moaned the cooks, "Sanji, this is the _fifth_ time..."

Sanji pulled out a lollipop. "Crap-headed guys and your crap-thinking. I feed whoever is hungry, then kick the sh#t outta them."

"Don't you mean 'crap'?"

"I mean ever word I have ever said."

"What about that time you were drunk?"

Sanji paused. "Except that time."

* * *

"What happened to Nami?" said Luffy.

Johnny and Yosaku looked at each other. "Umm..."

_"You know aniki, I have the strangest feeling Nami might be stealing our treasure."_

_"Where did you get an idea like that Yosaku?"_

"La-la-la-la-la-laaaaa stealing the treasure!"

_"I don't know Johnny."_

_The bounty hunters were sent flying off the ship._

_"That's what you get for not dying! Now I get your treasure!"_

_"Sister Nami, have you been drinking too many appletinis?"_

_"Waaah? No tha's ridicluossss..."_

"I can't believe we trusted her!" said Zoro, punching his fist into a wall.

"If I recall, she cleary said 'I will betray you,' " remarked Usopp.

* * *

"I'll serve you up, you chowder heads," said Sanji. The cooks and pirates were about to fight. "You'll be as flat as a pancake. I'll make mincemeat outta you. Carp-pirates and your carpy-manners..."

"I'm sick of you and your food-related puns!" said Gin, "Ya' know what I'm sayin' man, it's just like you know man, dude!"

"Hey, nobody insults the food puns!"

"Did somebody say 'pants'?" said a French voice.

Music played. _You can dance, you can dance, everybody look at your pants!_

"Who are you?" asked a cook.

"My name…is Fancy-Pants Mihawk!"

"I thought you were called 'Hawk-Eye.' "

"My pants are called that too. So, who said pants?"

"I totally did!" exclaimed Zoro, walking out onto the broken deck of Kreig's ship.

"When did you say that?" said Usopp.

_30 seconds previously._

_"Nami, do these pants totally make me look fat?"_

_"For the last time, yes!"_

"So, boy...does the courage to point your blade at me come from confidence...or from ignorance?"

"It comes from ambition. And...that's about it. Yup."

DUN-DUN-DUN!

_A/N: Up next: Zoro vs. Mihawk fight, Invincible Pearl and Sanji's past. I must have read the Zoro vs. Mihawk fight chapter in the manga literally (not figuratively) 50 times...but it will be completely different than anything you can imagine! Sorry for the absence of lollipop-related jokes in this chapter, there will be plenty in the next!_

_Keep reading! Thank you all for the reviews! Don't forget to R&R for this chapter too, or else Zoro will not defeat Mihawk in the next chapter. **Disclaimer**: Sending in reviews will not influence the outcome of Zoro's battle whatsoever. He looses anyway! (AH! SPOILER!)_


	7. Fancy Pants

_A/N: Heads up for those of you who were spared of watching the 4kids version of One Piece: child Sanji was voiced by same woman who voices Ash Ketchum in Pokemon. So basically, kid Sanji sounds like Ash with a Brooklyn accent.  
Thanks to everyone who reviewed. They give me a big morale boost and keep me writing! _

**Nami:**FrescaPower does not own _One Piece_by Eiichiro Oda, Monty Python, _Yu-Gi-Oh: The Abridged Series _by LittleKuriboh, _Pokemon_, RZR phones, Katana phones, 4Kids, or anything else made reference to. But with the money I have, I soon will! Money!!

* * *

_**One Piece the Abridged Series**_

Zoro pulled out his three katana. And by katana, that means the phone.

"I challenge you to a text-off."

"Very well. Fancy-Pants Mihawk accepts your challenge." He pulled out a RZR.

"What's that for?"

"I do not need a cannon to hunt a rabbit."

"But you've got to admit, it would be a lot more effective."

The swordsmen began texting so fast their fingers were just a blur, or, in Zoro's case, his fingers and tongue.

"Zoro the Pirate Hunter versus Fancy-Pants Mihawk! I wonder who will win," remarked a random cook.

"No one can beat our brother!" declared Johnny and Yosaku.

"There's no way he can win," said another cook, "The writing staff would never have him reach his dream this early in the series."

* * *

**Chapter 7: Fancy-Pants**

Zoro texted as fast as he could, but he couldn't keep up with Mihawk.

"_Zoro…Zoro…"_called Kuina.

"Get the hell out of my head!" yelled Zoro.

_"I'm just part of your imagination."_

"Okay then…"

_Mini Flashback!_

"_I want to be the world's greatest swordsman too, Zoro. I also wish I were a boy." _

_Awkward silence._

"_KUINA! LET'S MAKE A PROMISE!" shouted child Zoro in a voice that sounded like a cross between Erkle and the man who voices the AFLAC duck. _

"_Zoro? What's with your voice?"_

"_WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?! I ALWAYS TALK LIKE THIS!" _

"I am giving you one last chance. Give up," said Mihawk.

"Why should I? You haven't even injured me yet."

"You make a valid point. Boy, what is your name?"

"Roronoa Zoro."

"What is your quest?"

"I seek the Holy Grail!"

"What – is your favorite color?"

"Blue. No, Yello-"

"Enough with the Monty Python references already!!" shouted one of Kreig's pirates.

"Your muzzer wuz a 'amster, and your fazzer smelt of elderberrizz!" replied Mihawk, giving a death glare which caused the pirate to drop dead on the spot.

Using this Monty Python-related argument to his advantage, Zoro initiated a surprise attack that would win the match or cost him his dream (or, as the reader already knows, neither outcome)."And now for my ultimate move that I never use again, despite its awesome-ness –SANTORYUU -- THREE THOUSAND TEXTS!"

"What? Three thousand texts? There's no way I can read them all!" The phones/ swords in Zoro's hands exploded. "Ah, it would seem that you reached the limit for your cell phone plan." Mihawk withdrew the black sword. "My black sword will finish you now!" Mihawk slashed Zoro, giving him no injuries but seriously damaging his shirt.

"AH! I'VE BEEN SLASHED BY A GLOWY PURPLE SWORD! YOU RIPPED MY SHIRT YOU FANCY-PANTS BASTARD!" after shouting a number of other profanities, Zoro lost consciousness.

"ANIKI!" cried Johnny and Yosaku as they brought him onto the boat.

"ZOLO!" screamed Luffy.

Zoro regained consciousness for a moment to shout, "It's freaking _ZORO_!" then went unconscious again.

"Usopp! Is Zoro all right?" asked Luffy.

"Yes…he lost a lot of blood, but we found most of it."

* * *

"OK, you see that ship over there?" Kreig pointed to the Baratie. "We're going to take it."

"What? There is no way that I am sailin' on that ship. I mean, it's shaped like a fish for goodness sake! What kinda pirates have a ship shaped like a cutesy fish?!"

BANG! Kreig shot the pirate with a pretty purple water gun.

"Anyone else oppose?"

"I do!" said an annoying voice.

"Anyone besides him?"

"I do!"

"Taking jokes from another Abridged Series is mean, you know"

"So is pillaging, murder, pillaging, escaping from prison, murder, stealing a navy ship, pillaging, flying a white flag then opening fire, murder, pillaging while murdering, and… pillaging."

BANG!

"Hey! That hurt!"

"Why aren't you dead?"

"I'm a voice, how can I die?"

Kreig shot the voice again.

"Ow! I think you killed me!"

* * *

"Haha, make way for Invincible Pearl, dude! I sound like a surfer, dude! My earrings are so cool, dude!"

"So you say you're invincible, your name is Pearl and you wear pearl earrings?" said Sanji

"Totally, dude! And I've, like, never once been injured, dude!"

WHAM!

"Agh! I'm bleeding, dude! All right dude, so I'm not invincible, dude!"

Wham!

"And my earrings, like, aren't made of pearl, dude! They're synthetic, dude!"

WHAM!

"And my name isn't Pearl, dude, it's, like, Fabio, dude!"

Wham! WHAM!

"…Casanova-"

WHAM-WHAM-WHAM

"Portgas D. Ace?"

"WHERE? WHERE?" shrieked a bunch of Ace fan girls.

WHAM! WHAM! WHAM! WHAM! WHAM!

"Alright, alright, my name is Leslie, dude!!"

Sanji paused. "And…?"

"And…I don't… actually talk like a surfer."

"That's better." The cook sent him flying.

* * *

Gin aimed a double-barrel pink super soaker at Chef Zeff's head. "Stop, Sanji. You don't want anything to happen to your Chef. Give us the restaurant and he can – Hey, pay attention to me when I'm talking!"

Sanji was talking to the camera "_I can't believe it's not butter_, Now two molecules closer to plastic!"

"Sanji, why are you advertising stuff?" asked Luffy.

"Because if I keep saying it, maybe they'll pay me for it! Seriously, I'm way underpaid."

"Hey, quit your complaining crap kid!" said Zeff

"Forget about my debt, just shoot him now Gin!"

"What debt?"

INSTANT FLASHBACK!

* * *

_The passenger ship _Orbit_ that coincidentally was transporting a shipment of Orbit White, Nine years ago._

"I'm gonna be a Pokemon master!"

"Sanji," said a waiter with dorky glasses, "Pokemon aren't real. You should have a different dream, like finding the All Blue."

"OK! Someday, I'm gonna find the All Blue. Or Great Blue…what a crappy and completely pointless name change."

The waiters burst into laughter."Silly kid, The Great Blue and All Blue are myths, like the tooth fairy and Santa Claus. Everyone knows Santa Claus isn't real."

Meanwhile, in the homes of children watching 4kids Saturday morning cartoons… "MOMMY! THE TV SAID SANTA CLAUS ISN'T REAL!!" "Then why did you tell me to change my dream to finding the All Blue?"

"Eh, we just wanted a reason to laugh at you. Now go bus those tables!"

"You can't tell me what to do. I'm not a servant!"

"As I recall, you are. You parents gave you away so they could buy a HDTV. Now get working."

* * *

The Orbit was attacked by a bunch of pirates – the Pirate Cooks, to be precise. Yes. What a fear-inspiring name.

"Hey, what's this?"

"Ah- Cap'n Zeff! I'm sorry, I was just so hungry!"

"What did I tell you about taking food from other people? It could have germs and crap!"

"But what about our food? It's green."

"So what?"

"From mold!"

"Are you saying you don't like my cooking?"

_Shocked silence._

Zeff put his index fingers to his temples and raised his right foot.

"_No-Contact Mind Kick!" _Zeff lowered his right foot and the pirate went flying.

"It's Captain Red-Shoes Zeff, famous for the no-contact kick!" exclaimed a passenger "you never actually see the person get kicked – it happens off-screen!"

"If he's famous for the no-contact kick, then why is he called 'Red-Shoes?'"

"He has a condition that causes his feet to bleed and it …dies his shoes red."

"Ewwww…"

* * *

After a storm, Sanji found himself on a small mushroom-shaped island.

"Here you go," said Zeff, "Two bags of food washed up on the island. You're lucky we're both cooks."

"Why do you get a bigger bag?"

"I have a bigger stomach than you. I'm going to the other side of the island. Call me only if you see a ship."

Zeff walked away. Once Sanji was out of sight, he greedily opened the bag of food.

Out spilled a pile of treasure.

"What?! Treasure?! Then that means…. aw crap! The kid got the food!"

Zeff walked back over to Sanji. "Hey kid, want to trade bags? You'll get more food!"

"I ate it all!"

"Wh- WHAT?! You ate eight day's worth of food?! But…but we haven't even been on this island a day! You're a cook, you should know how to ration food!"

"Duh, why do you think I'm a busboy?"

And so, Zeff cut off his own leg so he could eat it. In the anime this never happens, so how he survived three months without food will remain one of the unanswerable mysteries of One Piece…So here are some possible theories:

-He's really a robot

- A flock of seagulls dropped dead onto the island.

- He ate his captain coat

- The island was a stopping point for rum bootleggers.

* * *

Sanji, desperate for food, walked over to Zeff's side of the island. "Gimme all your food."

"Suit yourself."

Sanji ripped open the bag. "What? Treasure? So…you gave me the food to save me? Why would you do that?"

"No, I meant to take the food all for myself. Unfortunately I confused the bags." Zeff paused for a moment, something practically unheard of in any 4kids TV shows, since as everyone knows, silence scars kids for life.

"Kid, what's your dream?"

"To be a Pokemon Master!"

"For the last time, Pokemon aren't real! Look, I'll give you a penny if you change your dream," he drew a penny out of his cloak. "See? See how shiny it is?"

Sanji greedily grabbed it away. "My dream is to find the All Blue. But what's that got to do with saving me?"

"Because…you had the same dream I had. Seeing as it's entirely your fault that I'm missing a leg, there's no way I'll be able to reach my dream. But if I get off this island, I'm going to open a restaurant."

"You know, I just realized there's land over there."

"Eh…it looks kind of far."

"I think it's only about 100 feet away."

"Too tired. Let's just wait for a ship."

3 months later…

"Those three months on the Desert Island helped me quit smoking lollipops," said Sanji, starring in an infomercial "Need Help Quitting? Go get stranded on a desert island. It helped me!" Sanji began to smoke a lollipop. "Man, I don't know how I'd get through the day without these..."

* * *

"You turned your past into a commercial? Wow, you must really be desperate for money. You should join my crew!"

"Chore boy, this isn't the time – in case you didn't notice, I'm taking no damage from that Pearl guy. I should have six busted ribs, but his attacks seem to be draining my energy instead of seriously injuring me."

"Oh no! Sanji's lost a lot of energy!"

"He must have six losses of energy because of that shield man!"

"He stands no chance in the condition he's in!" Everyone glared at the cook.

"Hmm…that doesn't sound childish enough," muttered a voice from above. Two men dragged the cook away and replaced him with a look-a-like.

"He's in trouble!" said the cook look-a-like.

"Eh…still not good enough."

Again, another look-a-like replaced the cook.

"Uh-oh Spaghetti-O!" exclaimed the third cook.

"That's better," said the voice, and gave an extremely evil laugh. "_One Piece_is mine! All mine! Then I will take over the other anime - and soon the world! _Mwahahaha_!"

"Sir, you still have the speaker on," interrupted another voice.

"Son of a – "

* * *

Bonus:

**Mihawk:** My pants…they're so fancy…that I think I might die!  
GACK!  
(Collapses)  
Save the pants!

**Next: Chapter 8, Baratie Concluded!**


	8. Poisoned Suction Cups?

_A/N: Sorry for the long update (again). I was busy with my other stories and had some trouble with this chapter. I feel like I'm doing a lame job with the Baratie arc or maybe I'm just being too hard on myself. Please no flames! I'm so excited - the Arlong arc is next and I have a lot of material for that. Ah! This is getting to be a really long author note. Enjoy Chapter 8! BTW, ithis chapter has loads of 4Kids-bashing._ :D

_**Disclaimer:** FrescaPower does not own One Piece by Eiichiro Oda, and neither do I own that song from some recent nintendo video game commercial, 4kids, the David Blane street magic youtube videos, or anything else that may have been made reference to._

_**One Piece the Abridged Series**_

* * *

_Are your weapons lame?_

_Do they do little to no damage to your enemies?_

_Then order 4kids' amazing changing weapons! In three simple classes you will learn how to change guns into hammers! In just one week you can turn rifles into water pistols! And if you order within the next five seconds you can get the wooden stakes labeled 'poisoned suction cups' and once you use them you will be able to turn the stakes into lame-looking suction cups that can't possibly poison anyone!_

_Just listen to one of our satisfied customers: _

"I THOUGHT THESE WERE SUPPOSED TO MAKE PEOPLE BLEED! BUT THEY'RE COMPLETELY USELESS! I WILL HUNT DOWN WHOEVER MADE THESE!"

* * *

**Chapter 8: Poisoned Suction Cups?**

The battle on Baratie wasn't going too well for the cooks, mainly due to the fact that Sanji was high on lollipops and kept beating the crap out of the cooks instead of the pirates. Luffy was trying to get to Kreig, but horrible writing such as crappy puns and kiddy talk kept getting in the way.

"Come on out, kiddy-widdy." Yes. Kreig really did say that.

Luffy charged at him. Kreig fired something that looked like darts.

"Oh no, poison suction cups!" exclaimed a cook.

"He'd better get those darts off fast!" said another.

"But I thought they were suction cups."

"Well, in this scene, they're darts."

"Wait…is that blood I see?" said a cook, freezing the screen at the part when Luffy charges out of the storm of 'suction cups.' You could clearly see stakes embedded in the rubber boy, and blood coming from the wounds. "Ohmygosh! 4kids forgot to edit something!" exclaimed the cook. "WE WIN!"

At that moment the 4kids Secret Police dragged him away. He was never seen again and no one else knew of this triumph.

Luffy continued running towards Kreig. "Why aren't you hurt?" asked a bewildered Kreig. "In that case I'll use my prickly porcupine cape." He wrapped himself with a cape covered in large spikes.

Luffy punched it and sent Kreig flying. Against all logic, the rubber boy wasn't bleeding despite the fact he'd punched a bunch of sharp, most-definitely-going-to-cause-an-injury spikes.

"Why aren't you bleeding?!" shouted Kreig, dumbfounded.

"I punched where there weren't spikes!" declared Luffy.

At this point the camera did a close up of the cape, revealing a portion that was completely devoid of spikes. It rather looked as if the spikes had been photo-shopped out, because in one frame Kreig was also missing an arm and half his face.

"Oh…how very stupid of me to not have realized that and very convenient for you..."

* * *

"Now to pull off these suction cups in an epic fashion," said Luffy, "Even though they were most definitely darts a minute ago!"

Luffy pulled them off one at a time in an epic fashion and threw them down. The 'suction cups' made a clanging sound.

A cook saw the scene and replayed it. "How is this possible? Suction cups can't suck on if they're made of metal! I'VE JUST REALIZED – 4KIDS-" he was unable to finish the sentence, as he was, in 4kids terms, 'taken away and never heard from again' by thugs hired by 4kids. They sounded kind of like Sanji.

"Poison suction?" said Sanji "How lame. Why not sharp lethal stakes or poison stakes?

"Don't tell me how to do my job!" Kreig pulled out a notebook. "Poisoned…steaks. Got it!" He turned to the camera. "Remember kids, I wrote it down in my handy-dandy notebook!"

* * *

" Day call me da Boogie Man!"

Some random music played. "Boogie? Get on up off the floor 'cause you're gonna boogie-oogie-oogie 'til you just can't boogie no more!"

"Shadup! NOT DAT KINDA' BOOGIE! Like da monsta dat eats kids, y'know what I'm sayin' man it's just like you know man, like, dude!"

The pirates exchanged glances. "Don't you mean the 'Bogey man?'"

"No. Y'know! Like 'da boogie man is gonna eat ya?"

"No…besides, we all had very deprived childhoods."

"Eh, forget it."

* * *

"Behold my military might!" proclaimed Kreig.

Planes soared through the sky. Tanks rolled onto the deck. A trumpet sounded, and a hundred pirates on horseback charged. It was all very epic.

That is, until the tanks fell into the water because the deck couldn't support their weight. The pirates on horses ran out of room for their Calvary charge and toppled into the ocean. The pirates in the planes were having a hard time shooting things down without hitting their own comrades.

Kreig sighed in frustration. He pulled out a walkie-talkie and spoke to someone. A minute later, a destructive beam blasted down from the sky. It looked as if it was going to hit Luffy, but instead hit a ship mast exactly one foot from Luffy. The mast disintegrated.

Kreig was outraged. "ONE FOOT! IT MISSED BY ONE FREAKING FOOT!" He sighed "There's only one thing left…" He pulled out a shield. " The 4KR!"

"No! Don Kreig! Not dat!" said Gin.

"Hurry! Get your earmuffs on!" shouted Kreig's pirates.

"4KR? What's that?" wondered the cooks.

"A sound bomb. Who ever hears it will be poisoned by its horrible lyrics and tune. They won't last an hour."

"Gin, put on your nose plug!" shouted Luffy, who thought the earmuffs were nose plugs.

"You mean earmuffs right?"

"Yes, your nose plug!"

"I don't deserve to be part of this crew, for reasons that have not been established!" Gin threw his earmuffs away. Luffy picked it up and put it on his nose.

"And now, the 4KR!" shouted Kreig, shooting the bomb out of the shield.

The cooks dived into water but the sound waves follow them.

"NO! Dive deeper! The sound waves are following us!"

YO!

_Y__o-yo, Yo-yo, Yo-yo, Yo-yo_

_Dreamin'_

_Don't give it up, Luffy_

_Dreamin'_

_Don't give it up, Zolo_

_(No, his name's not Zoro!)_

_Dreamin'_

_Don't give it up, Nami_

_Give it up, give it up, don't give it give it up, dawg!_

_Here's how the story goes _

_We find out about the treasure in the Grand Line there's no doubt _

_The pirate __whose eye is on it he'll sing,_

_I'll be King of the Pirates, I'm gonna be king!_

_Yo-yo, yo-yo, yo-yo…_

* * *

"Get ready for the Mighty Battle Lollipop! This is true military might!" cried Kreig, pulling out a giant lollipop.

Luffy grabbed onto it, swallowing it in one gulp.

"Your military might just got cut in half! Now it's just a…" there was a long pause as he thought. "A…a stick!"

* * *

"The only way I can beat him…" said Luffy "Is with an Internet reference! Kreig! Pick a card and memorize it." Luffy pulled out a deck of cards. Kreig, a bit confused, chose a card and handed it back to Luffy.

Luffy shuffled the deck, then held up a card. "Was this your card?"

"No."

"Lift up your shirt."

"But I have to take my armor off for that."

"Just do it."

_Half an hour later…_

"Ok…" Kreig looked down. The card he had chosen, the Ace of Spades, was on his stomach. "What the eff?"

"What the eff?" said Sanji.

"What the eff?!" said everyone.

"Was that that your card?" asked Luffy, a grin on his face.

"Yeah!" responded Kreig, amazed.

"Ok! _Gomu Gomu no Bazooka_!" Luffy punched the Don, doing lots of damage thanks to the absence of armor.

"Not so fast!" Krieg captured him in a net.

"I'm not done yet!" cried Luffy. "KRIEG! What color is your hair?"

"Purple."

"And what else is purple?"

"I don't know…grapes?" Kreig looked up. His hair had turned into grapes. The resulting weight caused him to loose his balance and fall into the ocean.

* * *

_In the kitchens after the battle…_

"Take the five! Come on! Come on! There! Now, F5! F-5. THAT'S F3! Damn machine!! Fine. F-3. AAARGH!! IT'S STUCK! GET OUT!!"

Sanji violently shook the machine, and in his anger kicked it with all the force he could muster. The glass didn't even crack. All it did was give him a lot of pain. "_Shit_! Ow! Shit, that hurts! My foot! _Ow_! I think I broke my toe! _Shit_!" he collapsed, and noticed a sign at the bottom of the machine.

'This vending machine is protected with 12-inch Plexiglas'

* * *

"So will you join my crew?" asked Luffy for the umpteenth time. He had taken to stalking the cook until he joined.

"No," replied Sanji.

"Will you join my crew now?"

"No!"

"What about now?"

"For the last freaking time, _no_!" They walked into the restaurant to eat.

"Who the hell cooked this soup? It tastes like crap!" said a cook.

"_Duh_, that's because it _is_ crap, dumbass."

"This soup tastes good!" exclaimed Luffy, consuming ten bowls at once.

Sanji stormed out of the room. Once he left, the cooks started laughing

"We sure got him good!"

"Did you see the look on his face?"

Sanji stormed back into the room. The cooks stopped laughing, frightened that he might have overheard them.

"Forgot my cig – I mean, lollipops. Sweet, sweet lollipops…" he grabbed them and walked back out. The cooks started laughing again.

Suddenly, something crashed onto the deck.

"HEY! COOL! A MERMAID MAN!" shouted Luffy, and started punching it for no reason.

Sanji took out a lollipop, lighted it, and began smoking it. This continued for about 5 minutes during which Luffy continued to punch the mermaid man.

"You know…" Sanji said slowly, blowing out the smoke from the lollipop, "That's not a mermaid man."

"Huh?" Luffy looked at it. It was actually a man and a panda shark. "Oh…!" a look of comprehension dawned on his face. "Hi Yosaku!"

Yosaku did not respond. "Um…he's not moving…" said Sanji.

"Yeah he is!" Yosaku twitched. "Hey Yosaku! Did you find Nami? Where's Usopp and Zoro?"

Yosaku, fortunately, regained consciousness to answer the question. "Nami is heading for the most feared pirate of the East Blue, the mermaid man Arlong."

Luffy's and Sanji's faces were blank.

"And," he continued, "He's allied with the Navy, who is controlled by the most feared organization on these seas-"

Everyone held their breath, waiting for Yosaku to answer.

"-4kids!"

* * *

"Are going to join my crew now?" Luffy asked again.

"N-" the sous-chef thought for a moment, "On second thought, I might as well come with you. I get paid below minimum wage and I have to pay minimum wage just to work here! And the guys always pull pranks on me. Just yesterday they put all my belongings in one of the vending machines, and last week they put my special fry cook spatula in Jell-O!"

_In the kitchens…_

"So what are you getting?" asked Carne. He and Patty were standing in front of a vending machine, trying to decide what to buy.

"Hmmm…I can't decide between Sanji's teddy bear, or his diary," Patty said thoughtfully.

"You could get his blankie."

"Good idea!"

_Back with Sanji…_

"So that's it, I'm leaving." Sanji walked away toward the boat they would leave on.

Sanji stopped for a moment and looked back. "I always hated you, crap-geezer."

"I hate you too, eggplant head," said Zeff.

Both men started to sob; Sanji ran up to Zeff and hugged him.

"I hate you so much!"

There was a short pause.

"Hey wait a sec-" said Sanji, "Get the hell offa me!"

"You hugged me first!"

"Well, you hugged back!"

Sanji walked away to the small boat again. Zeff still had tears in his eyes.

"Hey, Sanji," said Zeff, very emotionally, "Keep your feet dry."

"That's gonna be hard if I'm swimming. Go to hell, crap-geezer."

* * *

Bonus:

**Sanji:** I'm gonna do to you what I should have done eight years ago.  
_(Sanji stands in front of the vending machine. He pulls out a key and unlocks it.)  
_**Sanji**: Huh...well... that was easy.  
_(Reaches for food)  
__(Vending machine falls on top of him)  
_**Sanji**: Curse you vending machine!

* * *

Next time on _One Piece the Abridged Series_:

**Arlong Park the Musical**

Zoro stumbles into the lair of Arlong, who insists on singing to him about why mermaid men are superior to humans. Nami sings about her tragic past that is way more tragic than everyone else's. Usopp, unfortunately, avoids being killed, Luffy wants meat and picks his nose, and Sanji stars in a McDonald's commercial.


	9. Arlong Park the Musical

_**Disclaimer: FrescaPower does not own One Piece, the McDonald's rap, The Little Mermaid, The Lion King or the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air.**_

_Enjoy chapter 9!_

_Mitarashi dango_– tofu balls (dumplings)  
_Zoni_ – Vegetable Stew  
_Dashi_ – soup broth  
_Nomi-ya_– popular bars that serve drinks and small snacks (though I don't know if they sell zoni or not)  
_Takoyaki_ – octopus dumplings

* * *

"So…What do you wanna do?" Luffy asked Yosaku. Yosaku shrugged. It had been several hours since they left the Baratie, and they were all quite bored.

"So…" said Luffy as he turned to his newest crew member, Sanji. "What's up?"

"What's up? I'll tell you what's up! Hit it, Yosaku."

In the background, Yosaku began to rap "Mm-mm-mm soy sauce"; Luffy picked his nose. Sanji began to rap:

_I need mitarashi dango  
__And hold the sugar  
__Don't like sushi, dude  
__No fish with the food  
__In this nomi-ya I order zoni  
__I've got a cravin' for onigiri just like my knee  
__I need some dashi up in here  
__Frizzle my shizzle with fried tofu on the dizzle.  
__A takoyaki my brother,  
__Another for your mother,  
__Sake, sake with the ice,  
__And don't forget the rice.  
__  
Quirky!_

* * *

**Chapter 9: Arlong Park the Musical**

_Meanwhile in Arlong Park…_

Zoro's poor sense of direction had landed him in Arlong Park. At least he might find out where Nami. Sneakily, that is to say. Not at all loud.

"Stupid fish! I'll kick all your asses!" Well, he wasn't exactly being subtle.

Arlong looked at him. "Roronoa Zoro, listen to me," music started to play, "You humans, you all really suck. I mean, mermaid men are better than any human could ever dare."

_Us Fish men are really awesome  
__We have our own private pools  
__If you think that you can beat us,  
__Then you're just a bunch of fools.  
__  
Just look at the world around you,  
__It's really quite a bore,  
__With pirates and thieves and humans-_

**Zoro:**

_"Hey, check out this parquet floor!"_

**Arlong:**

_Hey, look at me,  
__Hey, look at me,  
__Darling, we're better  
__And ten times as wetter,  
__Take it from me.  
__  
We will make all you humans pay  
__You will work for us every day,  
__While you're eroding,  
__We'll all be gloating  
__Above the sea!_

_One day I'll make my empire,  
__That will stretch across the world  
__A place where humans will cower,  
__Since I'm the one in power.  
__The fish men – shark, salmon and bass,  
__Will kick humans in the ass._

_Fish men are as tall as towers,  
__We don't have to take showers!_

_Oh-ho! Above the sea,  
__Above the sea,  
__No one will beat us, fry us, or eat us  
__What a cuisine!_

_You are what we would like to kill  
__But then we couldn't pay the bill,  
__We'll have no troubles,_

**Zoro:**

_It's fun to eat bubbles!_

**Arlong:**

_Above the sea! (Above the sea!)  
__Above the sea! (Above the sea!)_

_Life is so sweet here_

**Zoro:**

_Get me a light beer, right over here!  
__(Right over here, here, here!)_

**Arlong:**

_Fish men will rule the seven seas,  
__We all wear gay Hawaiian tees.  
__If you have spirit,  
__I'll make you eat shit,  
__Above the sea!_

_The octopus is pink  
__And he can shoot ink.  
__The Ray is a hottie,  
_'_Cause he knows karate  
__The Kisser's real cool  
__'Cause he spits his drool  
__My crew is the best there is _

_(Yeah!)_

_Nami can draw crap  
__Like some maps  
__We're all rocking out  
__Except during naps  
__This place is my crib  
__It's the best there is.  
__And man, that blowfish blows._

The mermaid men danced, taking no notice of Zoro, who was trying to escape. He fell into the water; Nami pulled him out, punched him, and untied the ropes that bound him. Zoro ran away right before Arlong resumed singing.

_Yeah!_

_Above the Sea, __(Above the Sea!)  
__Above the Sea, (Above the Sea!)_

_When the screams echo in my eardrums,  
__It's Music to me!  
__(Music it's to me!)_

_What do you got?  
__Non-webbed hands.  
__We're hotter  
__Than the _Homo sapiens_ man!_

We're just all stronger  
And we live longer.  
Above the Sea!

_Each of you's weak here,  
__Just like this light beer  
__Above the sea!_

_Humans are weaklings,  
__And very dumb things,  
__Fish men are hotter  
__And breathe underwater  
__You humans suck (A-ahhh)  
__And belong in da muck (A-ahhhh)  
__Above the sea! _

The mermaid men ended the song, stopped dancing and stood frozen in place for a moment, looking around for their one-man audience. Zoro was gone.

"Damn, I knew I should have just drowned him…"

"I told you this would happen, but no, no one listens to me," muttered Kuroobi. "You always insist on singing that musical number to your 'guests' but they always escape…I hate to say _I told you so_."

* * *

Now Usopp had gotten himself captured. The Straw Hats aren't very stealthy, are they?

"What should we do with him? _Smek_." said Choo

"I say we kill 'im. That'll be sure to bring the pirate hunter Zoro here."

"Um...how about you not kill me, and let me go?" asked Usopp.

"And why should we?" asked Arlong.

Usopp cleared his throat, and proceeded to sing:

_Oh please just don't kill me  
It's a beautiful phrase  
Oh please just don't kill me  
Or Zoro will rampage_

_It means don't kill me  
For the rest of my days  
I don't want problems, please.  
Limburger cheese!  
Oh please just don't kill me!_

_Why, when I was a liar boy_

Nami joined Usopp:

_When he was a liar boy!_

"Very nice."

"Thanks."

_I told tons of tall tales of which no one believed  
__When I left my whole town was extremely relieved _

**Nami**_:_

_He's a lying braggart,  
__And no one trusts him_

**Usopp:**

_And it hurt when one of my lies became true.  
And oh, the pain,_

_(He was pained!)_

_My best shirt has a stain!_

_(Oh, what a stain!)_

_And I joined some pirates_

_(What did you do?)_

_Everyday that I –_

"Hey Usopp, not in front of the fish."

"Oh. Sorry."

_Oh please just don't kill me  
It's a beautiful phrase  
Oh please just don't kill me  
Or Zoro will rampage_

Arlong joined in:

_It means don't kill you  
For the rest of your days_

"Yeah, sing it, fish!"

_I don't want problems, please.  
Limburger cheese!  
Oh please just don't kill me!_

Music continued to play in the background. Arlong turned to Usopp, his eyes full of tears.

"–Sniff- I've decided…"

"Yes?"

"…Not…"

"Yes?"

"…To kill…"

"Yes?"

"…You"

"YES! WOO-HOO!"

"Nami will."

The music skidded to a halt.

"WHAT?"

"Yes, sir!" said Nami, and whacked Usopp over the head with her staff.

Desperate, Usopp tried to sing the song without accompanying music, but sounded horrible due to the lack of voice-changing technology.

_Oh please just don't kill me  
It's a beautiful phrase  
Oh please just don't kill me-_

The mermaid men covered their ears; some rolled on the ground in pain.

_– Zoro will rampage  
It means don't kill me –_

Nami stabbed Usopp. The fish breathed a sigh of relieve.

"Nami…you…"

"It's business. I had no choice. " Nami looked down at where she had stabbed Usopp. _AW, SHIT! I STABBED MY HAND!_

* * *

"Sister Nami killed brother Usopp!" said Johnny, who had just witnessed the un-gruesome and edited 'death' of Usopp.

"Nami would never do such a thing!" shouted Luffy.

"Actually I would," said Nami, suddenly appearing on the scene.

"But you didn't, right?"

"He's dead," Nami said bluntly.

"I get it, you're joking!"

"And this is the knife I stabbed him with," said the navigator, holding up a bloody knife.

Everyone ran away.

* * *

It's flashback time again!

"Now everyone will finally know my tragic past, that is infinitely more tragic than everyone else's!"

Some random person coughed, which sounded suspiciously like "Nico Robin." Nami thwacked the person with her staff and the person was never seen nor heard from again.

Nami turned back to the camera. Funky music played in the background.

_Now this is a story all about how  
My life got all turned upside-down.  
And if you'll take a minute, just stay right there,  
I'll tell you all about my mom who I called Belle-mére._

_In Cocoyashi village I was raised,  
Picking tangerines was how I spent most of my days,  
Living with a poor mom and shoplifting from a fool,  
Pilfering textbooks outside of the school,  
When a crew of fish-guys who were up to no good,  
Started making trouble in the neighborhood.  
There was one little fight where my mom got killed,  
Then the fish-men said 'you're coming with us against your will'_

_I agreed to draw maps and I got a tattoo,  
But the villagers hated me for that too,  
If anything the cause was my orange hair,  
– Nah, forget it - I missed Belle-mére!_

_I stole lots of treasure and plundered and pillaged  
__I knew it would take years to buy back the village  
__I looked at my treasure; I still had orange hair,  
__Yeah, I really missed my step-mom, I missed Belle-mére! _

* * *

"Stop stealing, you kleptomaniac delinquent!" shouted Genzo, holding Nami by the back of her shirt.

"But Mr. Genzo, it's just one book! I'll pay you back…with singing!" Nami sung a song beautifully. Heck, she probably could've won _American Idol_.

"That was horrible. Now go home to your shack. I mean house."

_Later, at home…_

"-Sniff- Mr. Genzo ruined my dream of singing. So now I'll do something extremely boring for the rest of my life. Mapmaking was only going to be a hobby, but Belle-mére used all my singing books as ingredients in her infamous 'mystery food' dish."

"Children have to eat, don't they?" said Belle-mére, who did not smoke cigarettes and did not wear a shirt that said 'MACE' on it. "Besides, I'm sure that by eating the pages, the words will go up into your brain and you'll remember everything."

"Really?" The girls started eating ravenously.

_Heh heh. Works every time_, thought Belle-mére. _Hmmm… maybe I should tell them to stop eating all that, or they're gonna get ink poisoning. Nah, I'll just go to a battlefield and find a new pair of abandoned kids. Yep. That's where children come from - blood-soaked battlefields._

* * *

"PIRATES ARE COMING!" declared the town doomsayer.

"Oh no! What do we do?" said a villager.

"Just ignore him, he says that everyday," reassured Genzo.

"PIRATE ATTACK!" screamed a villager.

"Not you too…" sighed Genzo, then looked around. "AHH! PIRATE ATTACK!"

"Don't we have a police force to protect us from this kind of thing?" said the town doctor.

"Nope," replied Genzo.

"Militia?"

"Nope."

"Mafia?"

"Nope"

"Boy Scouts…?"

"Nope."

"Basically, we have no hope of survival."

"Well, there is me."

There was a short pause, and they broke out in laughter. "Ha, ha…yeah, we're doomed."

* * *

"She didn't pay, so now she'll pay the price for not paying," said Arlong evilly.

"So you're killing her?" asked Nami.

"We're taking her to jail where she'll never be heard from again."

"So you're killing her?"

"No, you never see her again. Because I throw her in jail."

"So, you're killing her," Nami said in a bored voice.

"I never said that. You can't prove she's dead."

"So she's alive?" she said hopefully.

"No, she's dead. Get over it. "

Suddenly, there was a bunch of beaten-up people on the ground for no adequately explained reason. In addition they shouted lousy puns despite the fact their lives were at stake.

"Now I know what a tossed salad feels like!"

"If you can't pay the cash you're out with the trash!"

Hachi walked back onto the scene, though he never actually left it. "I seem to have randomly found a random piece of paper in a random place that is not off a dead body that randomly happens to be a sea map."

"Give it back! That's mine!" cried Nami.

"Take her with us," said Arlong.

"Don't you dare!" Belle-mére shouted to Arlong. But she was looking down, even though Arlong was taller than she was.

"Belle-mére, you're alive!"

"No, Nami! It's just a previous scene clip put in by 4kids!" warned Nojiko. "The mermaid men are trying to trick you!"

"That's right, but if you join us Nami, we can put random clips together and make it seem that your mother is still alive. Don't you want that?"

"I thought you threw her in jail."

"Err…"

"Genzo, roll the clip!"

"Oh no you don't!" shouted Kuroobi "KARA-TE! HIYAH!" Kuroobi slashed Genzo with a sword several times. However, instead of Genzo bleeding all over the place it appeared that Kuroobi had only ripped his clothing.

Genzo staggered in 'pain' "Argh! Ergh! I…just…got this suit! And now it's all cut up…ah! And I had a hot date tonight! It was all… for nothing!" He fell to the ground.

Hachi carried Nami away. Nojiko tried to stop him, but it was useless. The camera shifted to Belle-mére, who was on the ground. In the background stood Hachi, despite the fact he was seen walking away carrying Nami only seconds previously.

"Um… I'm not Hachi!" said Hachi "I'm… um…his stunt double Bob!"

Several people sweat dropped. "I didn't know anime characters had stunt doubles," said someone.

"Um…uh…" Hachi ran, jumping through the nearest window.

* * *

"I've been told by a reliable source that you're a thief," said Captain Nezumi, who sounded like a certain vertically challenged teenager who likes to play children's card games, "You have stolen treasure from pirates, who have stole it from other pirates, who in turn have stole it from citizens. Therefore by some weird logic the money belongs to 4ki- er, the Navy."

"A reliable source? That Luffy betrayed me after I betrayed him!"

"No."

"Usopp?"

"No."

"Zoro? Sanji?"

"No."

"Buggy?"

"No."

Several characters later…

"I give up…unless it was Arlong? But I mean, what are the chances of that!"

"Yeah, it was him." Nezumi turned to his men. "Hyik, hyik, hyik. Now tear this place apart and find the treasure," he ordered. They proceeded to tear up the tangerine groves.

"HEY! You break it, you buy it!" shouted Nojiko. Immediately Nojiko was shot.

"What the hell did you do that for?" cried Nami.

"I don't like people with blue hair," shrugged Nezumi.

"Sir, I've found the treasure…but it's covered in dirt and blo- ketchup. Lots and lots of ketchup."

"It's still money, even if it has ketchup on it. Hyik, hyik, hyik," Nezumi chuckled, "That naïve girl. Now we can use this money to invest in Chopper Dolls and sell them for an overpriced amount at toy stores!

* * *

"Hey Nami, what's up?" said Luffy cheerily completely unaware of the angst Nami was going through.

"My life sucks, my mother is dead and I'm completely broke!" Nami picked up her dagger and began to stab herself in the shoulder. "ANGST! ANGST! ANGST!"

Luffy grabbed Nami's wrist, preventing her from further harming herself.

Nami looked up, tears in her eyes "Luffy?"

"Who's been stealing your screen time?"

Nami anime face-faulted.

"He's been stealing my screen time too! Why haven't I been getting any screen time?! I WANT MEAT! I MEAN SCREEN TIME! I'm gonna kick the ass of the guy who's taking all my meat and screen time!"

Luffy turned to the rest of his crew. Zoro was sleeping, Sanji was high off lollipops, and Usopp was mixing ketchup and mustard in the same bottle. "Let's go…win back the meat!"

"What about screen time?"

"Yeah, that too."

Completely ignoring Nami, Luffy and crew walked off to find whoever had been taking screen time.

"Wow, this is really epic," commented Usopp.

"Eh…it's kinda lame in comparison to Eneis Lobby…" remarked Zoro.

"Huh?"

They ended up at the gates of Arlong Park. Luffy sent the doors flying. "WHICH ONE OF YOU HAS BEEN STEALING MY MEAT AND SCREEN TIME?"

Quite (un)fortunately, Arlong was the first to respond.


End file.
